Sticky Sonata
by Millie Bates
Summary: Unexplainable run-in at a place for explanation. Second chances are just what the doctor ordered and Lukas and Mathias receive a full dose, but with pending struggles, things might end up differently than expected. Whether that means better or worse, read to find out. (Sequel to Unexplainable Caramels. Can ALSO be read WITHOUT having read the first story.)
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello! What you are about to read is a SEQUEL! I suppose it could be read as a PREQUEL, but it is your choice! If you read it as a prequel, let me know how it reads in that format! The original story is called Unexplainable Caramels and can be found on my page.**_

 ** _Please enjoy!_**

* * *

Chapter 1: **"Come on Home" _~Franz Ferdinand_**

* * *

 _Although my lover lives in a place that I can't live_

 _I kind of find I like a life this lonely_

* * *

"Don't grab any more of that shit. Jesus Christ, man."

"It's cheap, bro. Check the price. Where else am I going to get a whole three meals for two dollars?"

"If I have to eat any more of that shit, I'm going to get fucking colon cancer or something," Mathias said, picking the box of ramen out of the cart, shaking it, and putting it back down with a grunt of disapproval. "It's sick. There is no nutrients."

"Fine, fine. Go get some apples. Since you care so much about 'health'," Alfred said with a mocking smile, shoving the cart over into Mathias' hands. Mathias pushed it over to the fruit aisle, groaning when he saw all the prices. "Fuck, man. Look at the prices right now. That's bullshit. Look what capitalism does."

"You could always have ramen."

"… I'll just do, like… a pound of apples. But none of you can touch them. Wait, bananas are super cheap. Go grab some of those."

Alfred grabbed a bundle of bananas, tossing them into the cart carelessly. "It's not like you're going to lose your games because you ate one thing of ramen, bro," he murmured to Mathias as he reclaimed the cart and shoved it towards the check-out that looked most empty. "Didn't you just have one, anyways?"

"Nah, man. Exhibition. It was Kentucky. They were alright. We still won."

"Wow. I'm pretty pumped to go to the games. People were into it last year. You guys did really good. You trying for pro?"

Mathias rubbed his neck and gave a slight shrug, eyes scanning over the candy bars and bottles of pop until he finally reached out, grabbing a chocolate bar and sliding it onto the conveyer belt. "I don't know, man. My dad wants that. I've already got scouts coming out, too. He's so thrilled about that."

"The money."

Mathias gave a laugh and took a card out of his wallet, sliding it and punching in a few numbers before saying, "Yeah, yeah, man. That would be the best part! Wouldn't have to worry."

They were both silent as they loaded the groceries onto their arms and headed for the doors. After a while, Alfred said, "You excited for pledges?"

"Hell yeah, man! But there was only six last year. I hope we get just a couple more."

"I was the only one when I pledged. Thank God you pledged after me. Don't tell the rest of them, but you're way fucking cooler, bro. Besides, you have that accent," he said, beginning to mock Mathias' accent. "Ja! Is good, is good. It's not soccer, it's futbol. Fuuuutbol."

"Aw, come on. I'd try to sound like some redneck from Texas, but I don't want anyone to think I fuck my cousin."

Alfred laughed, running a hand through his hair. "God, you're salty."

Mathias proceeded to unlock his car, pop the trunk, load the groceries up, and get in. He fixed his hair in the mirror, checked his teeth, and stopped the minute Alfred got in. "So how are you and Natalie?"

"Natalya."

"Natalya, right. She's hot, dude."

"Yeah, man! I know. Thanks. She's pretty cool."

Mathias drove, turning on the radio and turning the music up. Alfred fake head-banged and Mathias shot him a look before bursting out laughing. "You're such a dick, man."

"No, no! Rachmaninoff is my fave, bro," he said, reading the music off of Mathias' phone. Mathias glanced over, leaning to see what he was looking at.

"Just play anything on that playlist, man."

Alfred scrolled down, clicking on a track and leaning back. Mathias turned the music up, turning up the bass. "Really, man?"

"You said anything from the list."

"Haven't listened to Odd Future for a few weeks, that's all."

"What do you want, then?"

Mathias leaned back, staring blankly at the red light. "Which ever, man."

They listened to music in silence, Mathias sometimes singing along quietly while Alfred texted with his feet up on the dash. After wading through a bit of five o'clock traffic, they made their way to the campus and parked, both getting out and grabbing the grocery bags. Mathias came back after setting them down and picked up his cello case while Alfred watched. "Carry her over the threshold! For good luck."

The other laughed, holding the cello bridal style with a wink. "Like this? God, she's perfect," he said, kissing the case while Alfred rubbed his eyes.

"You're fucking weird, Mathias."

"She's my baby. The love of my life. Don't insult me in front of her," he said, carrying in the cello and taking it up to his room. "Hey, are we having a party tomorrow?"

Alfred crashed on the couch, opening his laptop. "I don't know yet. Probably. Yeah. Just really chill, though."

"You're buying the drinks, right?"

Alfred typed something into his laptop. Mathias could see it was his class schedule and he was trying to print it off. He sat down next to him, taking the laptop and working on printing it for him. Alfred murmured something under his breath and crossed his arms. "I don't know if we should be doing that shit on the first day of classes. Besides, I know how much liquor you keep in your room."

Mathias looked over at him, then turned back to the screen with a grin. "It's not like I'm the only one. I know freshmen who keep it under their bed."

Alfred smirked faintly, then said, "If you guys pitch forth some money, I'll buy a keg. Alright? I'm sure you'd find a way to buy one even if I didn't. I know I didn't buy you all that you have up in your room because there is no way in hell I'd buy you that much."

At that, Mathias shrugged and stood. "Printed the schedule off for you, man."

Alfred nodded, took his laptop back, and began clicking away again while Mathias went to the kitchen to pour himself some orange juice.

"You have practice today, bro?"

"No. I had to go in earlier, but I'm off the rest of the day. Free tomorrow, too, but I'll probably go for a jog or something."

"Maybe I'll go with you. I need to lose some weight or something. I'm getting a dad body. I'm not ready to peak yet."

"Peak?" Mathias went upstairs, grabbing the bottle of vodka he kept in his closet and coming back down. Alfred turned to face him. "Uh, yeah. Have you seriously not heard of that? It's that thing when you hit your prime physical state. You should hit it in your twenties. But I knew this steroid-pumped asshole at my old school who hit it at seventeen and he looked like someone's dad."

"Oh, shit," the other replied, pouring some vodka into his juice and swirling it around. "That's awful. You definitely should come with me! I'll do a thirty minute jog and that's it."

Alfred's face twisted while he groaned, not thrilled with the idea of doing any kind of exercise ever, but he reluctantly nodded when he looked down at his stomach and noticed a prominent roll.

* * *

"You don't like your box, do you?"

The rabbit's nose twitched and it shuffled around the cardboard box, little pieces of straw stuck to its feet. When it was lifted out and set on the bed, it just moved to the middle and stayed still, squeaking quietly.

"I have the cage but you'll have to stay in there for a bit while I set it up."

The bunny turned slightly, squeaking yet again. Lukas reached out, scooped him up, and stroked his back gently. "Mm. Just me and you, Teeny Weeny."

The dorm was empty. He didn't have a roommate yet. He might not have one until semester, but he was never that lucky. He would at least have his own room. Besides, the dorms were some of the nicest on campus. He walked out of his room and walked into his kitchen, definitely pleased to have one at all, especially one so big. The dorm was more like an apartment.

He turned to the window. It was bright out. Warm, too. The heat was coming into the living room. He would definitely have to buy curtains, preferably black curtains to block all the light and heat out. It was warmer here than it was in D.C.

It snowed in the winters on the occasion. He'd looked that up. But it never snowed a lot. Never enough to be enjoyable. But he figured that was a result of being further south. He never had to deal with terrible weather. Except maybe hurricanes. Did he have to deal with that? He needed to check.

He carried his rabbit to the couch and sat down, scrolling through his phone, texting his mother about what he was doing currently. She'd begged him to keep in touch.

It was his third year in college, but he'd switched schools. He had been at a community college in D.C., trying to improve enough to get into Duke. When Duke didn't accept him, he was a bit devastated. He wanted to go to a good school away from his parents, but not too far away. That's when he looked into his current school and applied.

Being accepted was relieving. But now he was stressed again, seeing as the first day of school was officially Tuesday. Well, tomorrow. He didn't know anyone, really. He'd moved in a couple days after what was suggested for him and he missed the welcoming events.

Not that he cared all that much. He wasn't here for friends. He was here for a good education.

He continued to pet the bunny, nuzzling his fur. He wasn't actually allowed to have pets in the dorm, but he had to sneak Teeny Weeny in. He couldn't part from him. He'd had him since he was twelve. He didn't like to talk much in public, so he talked to the rabbit more than anyone.

It was really stupid, too. He wouldn't ever tell anyone that this was who he talked to. But it was so hard to keep everything bottled up all the time, and there were some things he couldn't tell his mother, so he turned to the rabbit, who he had affectionately named Teeny Weeny upon the request of a five year old Emil.

That was especially ironic, considering Emil thought the name was dumb now. Then again, he thought everything was dumb nowadays. He was still in the phase where he thought it was cool to be constantly bitter about everything.

Lukas felt like a hypocrite. He himself was a little bitter. But he did like things. He was just very, very picky on what those things were. Like rabbits. He loved rabbits. And fairy tales. Children's stories in general.

In fact, he felt like the odd man out in college. He felt like he didn't connect. Almost like he wasn't meant for college at all. But he also felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he always persevered through hours of studying and note taking.

He was stressed out about the entire idea of school, but he didn't want to dwell on it, so he continued to put off his never-ending stress by stroking the rabbit some more, which ultimately would result in a panic attack later when his anxiety overflowed, but he couldn't think about that right now, either.

After a while of sitting in silence, he got up again and starting unpacking more of his things. He was pretty sure he had packed a lot more than he needed. He had been having anxiety about what he would need and not need, so he ended up packing most of his room. It wasn't fun for his father, who had decided to drive him down to the university. Packing everything was a life-size game of Tetris and the loss in the end was Lukas' arms basically turning into jello after lifting heavy things.

But it was all here now. He just had to unpack, get his backpack ready to go, double-check his schedule, find a map of the campus, and he'd be set.

He put Teeny Weeny back in the box he had arrived in and gave him a piece of kale, deciding that it would be a better idea to watch his rabbit eat for a few minutes to an hour, or until he felt the motivation to actually do the things he needed to do.

* * *

The first class of the day began at nine in the morning. All of Lukas' days began at nine. He had no classes past three on any of his days. He didn't mind waking up earlier if it meant he didn't have to go to school for long past noon. Besides, he went to bed early. Waking up early was no problem.

The class he had first was math. He'd really been putting it off. He was taking a general course. The easiest one offered. His second that day was a folklore class, one he was very pleased to get into.

Both classes were short and he was glad, although he could hear a girl talking about a party in folklore.

"It's Sigma Alpha Epsilon house."

A frat party. Lukas turned his nose up a little, although he knew it probably wasn't anything like the films portrayal. They were probably alright. Although he had met frat boys before when he had worked at one of the cinemas in D.C. a couple years back. The ones he usually encountered were rude and always tried to get free beers out of him, to which he would panic and call over the manager.

Either way, he was curious. Not that he was going to go. He had school in the morning and he didn't drink, anyways. And he didn't know anyone.

Later that night, he was curled up on his couch, eating instant mashed potatoes and watching television in peace, although in the back of his head, he couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to be just a little more outgoing. Enough to attend a party like that.

* * *

"Hey, you assholes!"

Mathias raised his cup, a laugh erupting from him as he climbed onto the coffee table, sloshing some beer onto his arm. "Natalya, c'mere!"

The blonde watched him with a raised eyebrow and a small sneer, although in her stance there was a hint of pride. "Get off the coffee table. You are so crazy, Mat."

Mathias sighed, clutching a hand over his chest and chugging the rest of his drink. He tossed the cup down, then grabbed the girls arm and pulled her up onto the table with him, wrapping an arm tightly around her waist. "Yer so fuckin' hot. HEY! Hey! Isn't she great or somethin'?"

Alfred laughed and shook his head, trying to pull him down as people watched on, some amused, some more concerned. "Hey, bro. Get off of there before you break it."

Mathias batted away Alfred's hand, leaning in to try to kiss Natalya, who was in the middle of taking pictures of herself with her phone. She shoved Mathias away with a cold scoff, then fixed her hair.

"Why won't ya just give me a little kiss?"

She shot him a look and another one of her sneers. "I don't like to be kissed on the mouth, okay? You fucking know that so just stop."

There were a few people booing in the room, but she just scoffed, yelling, "Shut up. Mind your own fucking business. Mathias, get down or I'm not touching you for a month, I swear to god."

He leaned into her face once again, this time mocking her high-pitched and cool voice, saying, "Mathias, I suh-wear to god!"

She grabbed his face, digging her nails into his cheek. "Fine. Go suck your own dick."

He moved back away from her, nearly falling off of the wobbly table for what must have been the sixth time. "Not like you'll help me, so maybe I will!"

She opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it with a noise of frustration before turning to go upstairs. Mathias watched her, his shoulder slumping slightly as he looked down at his empty cup on the floor. He got a new one and refilled it, chugging a beer down as Alfred tried to make a joke about a girl he used to see.

* * *

Mathias groaned when he woke up for practice. He felt like absolute shit. He grabbed his phone and scrolled through his messages, seeing one from Natalya.

 _See you for lunch. The place is nice, so don't come wearing your stupid joggers._

He frowned slightly at the message, rubbed his eyes, and reluctantly got out of bed, not thrilled at all for the events the day held.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: **"Love Will Tear Us Apart" _~Joy Division_**

* * *

 _When routine bites hard_

 _And ambitions are low_

 _And resentment rides high_

 _But emotions won't grow_

 _And we're changing our ways, taking different roads_

 _Then love, love will tear us apart again_

 _Love, love will tear us apart again_

* * *

The first week passed by quickly. Lukas had homework already that he had diligently been working on. It was Friday night, though. Everyone was out either partying or at the soccer game. He'd thought about going, but didn't like sports and knew he'd be too shy to make friends either way.

One thing he knew about was a party that was being thrown after the soccer game. He knew this because the same girl who had been discussing a frat party on Tuesday in class had been discussing the one coming up tonight.

"Are you going? You shouldn't, honestly," someone said to the girl. Lukas always knew when the other was talking because her accent was thick and her voice always made her sound angry. He had no idea what she looked like yet. He just heard her, but had never been able to point her out in class.

"It isn't my fault if Matt wants to be a dick, honestly. I should be able to go to any party I want. It's not like he owns me or something."

"But it's his fraternity," someone replied. Lukas could hear her scoff loudly and laugh, then say, "Okay, well if he wants to get any tonight, he won't pull what he pulled on Tuesday."

With that, the class was dismissed and Lukas was again unable to see the girl. But now he had the information about a party on Friday night. Not like he was going to do anything about it. He was just in his room, at his desk, working on something for a design class. He could only hear the keys clicking and he felt so alone all of a sudden.

He shook the feeling off. Tried to, at least. He heard someone laughing from his open window. Someone else laughed, too. Friends. He got up and slammed the window shut, huffing as he returned to his chair, spinning in it as he contemplated his next move.

He could always go. He would just have to stand up and walk over there. If he wanted to leave, he could leave. It was just a matter of will.

He stood up and raked his fingers through his hair, adjusting his pin and sliding some clean jeans and a shirt on. He didn't look in the mirror. He hadn't cared about his looks for a while. It wasn't like he was trying to attract anyone.

 _Going. I'm going._

He took a shaky breath and slapped a hand to his forehead. He suddenly felt like his head was spinning and he sat down for a moment, taking a deep breath.

 _No. I said I was going and I'm going._

Again he stood, putting his shoes on this time. He took controlled breaths, far too nervous about something so small. He almost considered taking Teeny Weeny with him. He was a good sized rabbit, but he could fit in a hoodie.

 _No. They'll think you're weird,_ he thought.

He sort of nodded at the bunny, then left before he could convince himself to stay.

* * *

Mathias wiped a thick layer of sweat off of his forehead and climbed up into the bleachers with a wide, cheerful grin. The crowd was cheering and patting him on the back. He was used to it all. He saw Natalya and tried to pull her closer, but she just shook her head with a raised eyebrow and gestured at how sweaty he was. "No. Clean up first, Mat."

He just looked at her for a second before turning back to the crowd, letting a few girls hug him and one take a selfie with him that he wasn't sure about. Either way, the attention felt alright. He definitely wasn't going to deny it.

"Hey, man! You ready for the after party?" He asked Alfred, who was laughing and pulling him into a quick hug.

"Yeah! I'm so fucking pumped. You guys practically raped 'em. Come on, bro." Alfred had already put his arm around Mathias' neck, but the other just removed it with a grin and walked towards the locker room to change and put his equipment away.

Once he arrived to the party, it was in full swing. The entire team was slowly arriving and everyone was in a good mood from the victory. Mathias looked for Natalya, but didn't see her anywhere and went into the kitchen, watching as Alfred sloppily poured him a few shots.

"Hey, you see Natalya?"

Alfred looked around, taking off his glasses for a moment. "No, dude. I saw her earlier. She's around here somewhere."

Mathias gave a small shrug, then downed two of the shots, almost coughing at the burn. He hadn't done shots in a while and Alfred could tell and was laughing at him. "You're acting like such a pussy! Can't hold your liquor?"

The other just shot him a look and grabbed the bottle, drinking straight from it for a good four gulps before slamming it down and looking back at everyone at the party. "Fuck you, Alfred," he spat out with a cocky grin. He closed his eyes for a second and wiped the sweat off of his neck, then made the rounds to talk to different people.

* * *

Lukas wasn't used to this at all. He didn't even want to go inside. But he had walked over and he didn't want to turn back quite yet. He was pretty sure he was shivering because he was so nervous, but there was no way he was going to let anyone that.

He stepped up to the door, opening it and walking in. The first thing he noticed was the scent. All he could smell was liquor, cologne, and something that reminded him of fresh paint. He walked in further, not sure of what to do. He didn't drink, so what was the point? He didn't smoke either. He felt so terribly out of place and decided to just people watch for a moment.

His mother would have called this some kind of weird adventure. "It's a new experience!" He let out a quiet sigh and looked to the kitchen, just to see what was in that room. He could see some guy with glasses on and another in front of him, although he was turned and Lukas couldn't see his face at all, just his soccer jersey. His number was five.

Lukas looked away. There was a man rubbing a woman's thigh and it was making him a lot uncomfortable. They were on the wall next to him and he was on the move yet again, trying to escape all kinds of people now.

He walked closer to the kitchen where there seemed to be less people. He continued to watch how everyone interacted until he felt alone again. He figured twenty minutes was plenty of time to be somewhere like this. He turned to go, but ran right into a man, who in turn spilled his drink on a girl he had been chatting with. Lukas' eyes widened and he muttered a quick, "I'm sorry."

The man gave him a dirty look and said, "Be more careful. Goddamn. Who the hell are you, anyways?"

Lukas swallowed hard and said, "I'm, uh…"

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, anyways?"

Lukas looked desperately at the door, not wanting any sort of confrontation. He just held up his hands and started to back away, but by backing away, he ran into someone else. He tried to turn around but there was a hand on his shoulder and he stayed in place.

"Why are you actin' like such a fuckin' prick? Is it to make up for your lack thereof, dumbshit?"

At first, Lukas thought the man behind him was speaking to _him_ , but the other started arguing back. "Shit, man. Hey, I'm just trying to stand up for Amy. I don't think this guy even goes here. Just think he was looking for a good time."

"So?"

"Come on, man. We don't even know who this guy is. Could be an asshole."

"Well, yeah, guess 'e could be. But you for SURE are an' we still let ya in, don' we?"

The man just shrugged and mumbled something under his breath. The girl he was with grabbed ahold of his arm and glared at Lukas and whoever was standing behind him, then dragged off the man, much to Lukas' relief. "Thanks," he said quietly, shrugging the hand off his shoulder and moving towards the door.

"Wait! What's yer name, huh?"

Lukas froze in place, then turned around just slightly, still not looking at the man. "Lukas," he said. With that, he left without another word.

* * *

Alfred walked over to Mathias, who was staring at the door still. "Who was that, bro? What happened just now?"

Mathias smirked and shook his head. "I don' know, Alfred. Some guy. I think he said his name was Lewis or somethin'. Some dick was treatin' him bad. Think he spilled a drink on his girlfriend. But still. 'S jus' a drink."

"I've never seen that guy either, though. The one you were standing up for."

"Freshman?"

"Seems like it."

Mathias leaned against the counter, shrugging. "Didn't get a good look at 'em, though. Jus' blond hair. Look like he hasn't been in the sun in a while. Gotta ask for a name when I'm sober."

* * *

Lukas wrapped himself up in a big blanket and curled up on the bed, swearing under his breath about how awkward that entire thing had been for him. He slid his phone out of his pocket and opened up a game, playing it to take his mind off of the party.

He had the urge to rip his own heart out. He felt so idiotic and out of place. "Dammit!" He let out a frustrated growl and buried his face into his pillow. He had made so many mistakes. Showing up. Running into that man. Backing up into another one. But then again, that one was helpful. He really should have gotten his name. He supposed that was just another thing he messed up on.

He tried to stop thinking about it. He was sure it did no good. But that was his chance at a friend and he blew it.

Or did he? Maybe he could narrow it down to who it was. The voice was deep. He sounded taller than Lukas. Plus, the man in front of him had been looking up at the man behind him, more proof of height. He had sounded drunk, so maybe he partied a lot. Maybe he attended every party at that house. He also had an accent. Well, Lukas thought he did. He was slurring and it was tricky to tell at times.

It seemed either German or Danish. Maybe Polish. Northern Europe for sure. _What if he's from Norway?_ Lukas' eyes brightened at the thought. He hadn't met someone from Norway in a while. That would really be something.

But on the other hand, who said he was a good guy? Yeah, he stood up for Lukas, but there was probably a reason behind it besides simply being a good person. He was probably showing off for some girl.

Maybe it was best that he stayed alone. He had been mostly alone throughout middle school. He had a few acquaintances in high school. He knew absolutely no one at his community college. So why should it be any different here?

 _You're here for an education. You have time to be social later,_ he told himself. He had thought for a moment about trying to find the man who had helped him, but now, it seemed absolutely pointless.

Maybe he could make a friend online. Just so that he'd have someone else to share thoughts with at least. That way, he wouldn't have to go out for anything else but classes.

The thought was too good to work. He knew he needed to go out more and he also knew it would make him feel so much better if he did the right things, but he didn't know what those things were. He hated sports. He hated big crowds.

He loved music, though, and he loved art. He was sure there was something he could do with either of those things that was at least semi-social.

* * *

 _"Hello, Lukas! How are you?"_

"I'm fine, mama."

 _"How is school? Have you done anything fun?"_

"School is school. And I went out last night. It was… interesting."

There was a pause, then his mother said, _"You're sure you're going out? It's important to be social and I know how you are! Is there any romance brewing?"_

"There never is. You know that."

She laughed and said, _"I know, I know. I'm only teasing! Make good friends. I love you!"_

"I love you, too, mama. Tell dad I said hi. And tell Emil to stop posting so many memes on Instagram," he said with a small smile. He could hear his mother laughing on the other end.

 _"Alright, I'll tell them! Have a good weekend, okay? Bye!"_

"You, too, mama. Bye."

With that, he hung up and resumed his position on his bed.

* * *

Mathias sunk further into the freezing water, taking deep breaths as he tried to further relax. His head was pounding and he had been wearing sunglasses all day until now, so the lights were burning. He shut them, fidgeting in the water for a moment. The cold was killing him. It normally didn't, but today it felt like hell. When the timer was up, he stood up and grabbed a towel, muttering, "Fuck" over and over again as he dried himself off. He didn't know how much longer he had to stay, but he hoped it wasn't long. He needed to go back to the house and practice his cello. He practiced nearly every day and took orchestra as well.

How could he not? Of course he dedicated himself to soccer because it came so naturally, but he loved music more than that. But music couldn't make him millions of dollars in a heartbeat like soccer could. He didn't have a scout coming to see his "orchestra" matches. People didn't yell his name with grins on their faces while he was raking his finger over a cello.

It was a pleasure that he felt alone. A satisfaction that nobody else was aware of. The ability to create music was soothing. He didn't feel so useless when he was holding a bow and the instrument between his legs. There was no pressure of scoring. No pressure of time running out.

After he got dressed, he put his headphones on and left. When he was finally in his room, he relaxed completely and grabbed his cello, adjusting it and doing a quick warm up before playing slowly, leaning his head down sleepily. His back ached and the conditioning coach would be telling him to sit up, but she wasn't here right now and he just shut his eyes, listening to the vibrations coming from the wooden body in his hold.

He would have liked to stay like that, but instead, he took out his music and ran through it until he could hear everyone in the house complaining.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: **"Long Ago and Far Away" _~Vera Lynn_**

* * *

 _Just one look and then I knew_

 _That all I longed for long ago was you_

* * *

A week passed by and Lukas had a project due soon, one that required more than sources from the internet, much to his chagrin. He would have loved to stay in his room and search the web for everything he needed, but the library was calling, so he finally got up and made his way to the building.

It was a very beautiful library, and he'd seen some good ones. He had no idea what he was doing, though. He wished he would have paid better attention when they were teaching the dewey decimal system, because now he had to go over to the front desk and ask a balding librarian where he could find information on Bram Stoker.

The librarian pointed upstairs, although the second floor was also massive and he shook his head, saying, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to find it."

The man seemed to be busy, so he just scribbled down some numbers, looking around for an assistant. "Well, I suppose I could take you myself, although I—"

"What's he looking for?"

The librarian looked at the student behind Lukas, smiling widely and handing him the sticky note with the book information on it. "Bram Stoker. Not Dracula. Information on the author. It would be really great if you could take him up there."

"Uh, yeah! I can do that. But could I re-check my books really quick? I lost my account password and didn't have time to reset it."

The librarian quickly scanned the students card, clicking on his keyboard until he smiled again, muttered a "Thank you," and he gestured for Lukas to follow.

Lukas awkwardly followed him, wondering if he should say anything. He hadn't gotten a look at his face yet. They walked over to an elevator and he pushed a button, waiting patiently.

"You a freshman?"

Lukas looked forward awkwardly, giving a faint shrug. "No. Transferred."

"Oh, cool. You like it here so far?"

Lukas gave another shrug. He hadn't been here long enough to know yet. "I guess."

There was silence as the light on the elevator lit up and the doors slid open. Lukas got on first and watched the other step on after, finally able to see his face. He instantly paled when he saw it and he swore his heart stopped. It felt like he was staring for a minute, but he knew it was just a second, if even that.

He looked extremely familiar, to the point that it frightened him. And his clear accent made his head practically spin.

"What's your name, anyways?" He asked Lukas, glancing over at him for the first time as well, his eyes narrowing and moving over to the clip in his hair. "I knew someone who wore a clip in their hair. That's so crazy."

Lukas just stared at him, feeling like he was in some sort of dream. "What's yours?"

"Uh, Mathias," he replied, stepping off of the elevator. "And yours is…?"

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Denmark. Copenhagen, actually."

"Mathias Kohler?"

Mathias' eyes widened and he stared at the other, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth. "Oh fuck. No fucking way," he muttered, shaking his head slightly. "Holy sh—" He paused, looked around, and went into the nearest study room. "Holy shit! Wait, wait… Lukas Bondevik?"

Lukas looked absolutely horrified as he followed Mathias. He had never been so embarrassed in his life. He was pale and blushing at the same time and he was almost positive he was going to throw up. "Mathias. Oh, God. How?"

"I got a scholarship to Wake Forest! It's my third year. Did you plan to go here?" Mathias said it as a joke, but he was genuinely curious as to if this was planned by Lukas. He had a hard time believing that this meeting was an accident. But Lukas shook his head, looking like a deer in headlights. "I didn't. I had no idea."

"Holy shit. How are you?" Mathias almost, _almost_ reached up and embraced him, but stopped himself before he could be too weird. They were strangers now. He didn't even know who Lukas was anymore. And if Lukas had any idea who he was, he would probably turn right on his heel and never look his way again.

"I'm fine. You?"

"Good! I'm good. How have you been? How was it when you got here?"

Lukas shrugged, shaking his head. "Fine."

Mathias smiled like an idiot and looked down at the floor. He was avoiding the question he wanted to ask the most. The pain of crying himself to sleep nearly every night until he was twelve because Lukas never called struck him like it had all those years again and he nearly choked on the same sadness again. Why hadn't he called?

He couldn't ask Lukas why he'd been dropped. There was a good reason, he was sure of it. He probably made other friends and it wouldn't have been healthy for him to keep Mathias around.

Besides, he shouldn't have been getting sore about something that happened so long ago and was so insignificant. They were just stupid children. It wouldn't have been fair of Mathias to hold anything against him.

"It's really good seeing you. I should probably get you to those books, huh?" He let out a small laugh and walked past Lukas, who was watching Mathias with an odd kind of fascination.

He looked like his father. Remarkably. His shoulders were strong and wide, his arms were firm, and his legs were muscular, and it suddenly struck him that Mathias must have chosen to continue with soccer. His hair was still unruly, but he clearly maintained it to an extent. His eyes hadn't changed one bit. They were as bright as they had been when he last saw him.

Meanwhile, Mathias couldn't believe how Lukas had turned out. His nose was prominent, but still curved up the way it had. The way he remembered. From what he could tell, he had never chosen to have braces, so each one was still slightly out of place. He was thin, but a concerning thin. The kind that Mathias would expect on an athlete, but the muscles lacked, making him think that it was a result of not eating and not of exercise.

"What are you studying, Lukas? Music?"

"Graphic design."

Mathias raised an eyebrow, glancing back at him. "Still play violin?"

"On my own personal time."

Mathias walked down one of the aisles, clicking his tongue quietly as he searched for the right books, then said, "Good."

"You still play cello, Mathias?" He ran his fingers along random books, pulling them out and reading the spines. Mathias moved closer, handing him one book. "I do. Along with soccer. Orchestra and soccer are everything in my life. Between you and me, I like playing my cello better."

Lukas couldn't help but smile very faintly at that. He figured. It had always seemed that way in the past. It made him happy to hear that Mathias hadn't quit playing his cello.

Mathias continued to hand him books until he had a stack of six, at which point he nodded and said, "Thank you." Lukas turned to go, but Mathias put a hand on his shoulder.

"Wait! Just a minute. You want to hang out sometime? Maybe grab a bite and catch up?"

Lukas' stomach churned and he turned around, avoiding Mathias' gaze. He didn't mean to be off-putting, but he felt like he was so awkward and had no idea how to act around Mathias anymore. Mathias was a completely different person. Lukas wasn't blind at all to how good he looked, or how easy it was to get caught up in his words. He'd embarrass himself.

"I'm busy."

Mathias' smile fell and he dropped his hand. The smile returned after a few seconds, but it was weak and forced. "Ah. Can I at least get something?"

"What do you mean?"

Mathias took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. "Like a way to get ahold of you," he said. "One that I can actually use this time around."

The last comment made Lukas frown and his heart felt like it skipped a beat. The comment was snarky and he felt defensive, almost angry, but guilty more than anything. "I have Instagram so I can keep up with my family. Is that okay?"

Mathias nodded, opening the app on his phone and handing it to Lukas, who looked himself up and clicked the follow button. "Here. I need to work on a project and I should go," he said, giving Mathias his phone back before turning and leaving Mathias standing alone in the middle of the aisle with a look of shock and disappointment on his face.

* * *

Lukas scrubbed off his body, nearly making his skin raw as he let the scorching water burn his back. He couldn't believe what just happened. He felt like he was going to break down at any moment from the all-consuming guilt of what he'd done and he let out a scoff as he rinsed off a soapy leg. "God," he muttered, reaching out to turn the music up on his phone.

It was awkward. He remembered everything they'd done. Mostly the promises they made and the kisses and he scoffed again, resting his forehead on the shower wall. _What does he expect, anyways?_ He thought. Hopefully not a relationship. Lukas was not cut out for those.

 _Mathias didn't seem all that gay,_ he thought. He sighed, feeling bad for thinking that. _Gays don't have a type or anything! Stupid._

He turned the shower off and got out, drying himself off and barely dressing before grabbing his phone again, immediately seeing a notification. He opened it, seeing a message from Mathias.

 _Just consider dinner this Wednesday at six. Time is flexible though. CONSIDER! I'll pay._

Lukas shook his head slowly, not knowing how he was supposed to respond. _I'm ace,_ he typed out. He immediately backspaced and didn't send it. He stood in the bathroom for a moment, completely silent. Dinner.

It was just dinner, right? And Mathias probably just wanted a friend in him.

 _It's the least you could do after abandoning him,_ his conscience said. He had to agree, too. He slowly typed out, _Okay,_ then clicked send.

* * *

Lukas walked into the restaurant, looking around. The lighting was dim, but he could see Mathias wave him over. Much to his surprise, there was someone sitting next to him. He walked over, sliding into the booth across from them.

"Hey, Lukas! Glad you made it. This is Natalya."

She just looked at Lukas and said, "Mm. I'm his girlfriend. Nice to meet you."

Lukas immediately recognized her voice and realized that she was the one who'd been talking so often in folklore class. And when she said Matt, she had been talking about Mathias. He looked at her with curiosity, then said, "It's nice to meet you, too."

She turned to Mathias, pointing at something on the menu. "I wish they'd write the calories next to the food. That would be so much more helpful."

Mathias nodded, glanced up at Lukas, who was also watching him, and flashed a very small smile. Lukas' face was blank, but his mind was wandering. He couldn't read the couple. He was confused by them and by the way they were interacting. Something about them made him feel sick and a little dizzy. Almost angry.

He looked away and scanned the menu, ordering quietly when the waitress came by. Mathias and Natalya both ordered, and Mathias was looking over at the drinks, wishing he was twenty-one already.

"How do you know him, again?" Natalya asked, leaning in to examine Lukas. "He's Norwegian, you said?"

Mathias wrapped an arm around her, although her arms remained crossed, and said, "Mhm. We were good friends in primary."

Natalya snorted slightly. "What? How could you even remember? You're strangers now. You're probably making him feel weird, Mat."

Lukas blinked a few times and leaned forward anxiously, then said, "I'm actually fine. I remember Mathias very well."

She took a sip of her tea and turned to Mathias. "I bet you're enjoying this blast from the past, aren't you, Mat?"

There was something off about her tone, although Lukas couldn't quite figure it out. It was like she was annoyed. Or bored. Or both. "I am, actually! C'mon, be a little more positive," he told her, leaning in to press a kiss to her jaw. Lukas' eyes narrowed, but she remained unamused.

"I could have gone to a party tonight," she murmured under her breath. Mathias flat out frowned and whispered something to her. Lukas wasn't sure what it was, but it was enough for her to shove him away, say she needed to use the restroom, and leave the table.

Lukas stared at Mathias, then at the table. He slowly sipped his water, trying to ignore how amused Mathias looked.

"I'm really sorry about her. She just gets in these moods. I swear she's great most of the time."

Lukas froze, pushing his drink away again. "She's in one of my classes."

"Oh, yeah?" He picked up his fork and lifted a piece of food off of his plate. "Does she talk about me?"

"…No." There was no way he was going to tell Mathias any of the things she'd said. It would just be more awkward when she came back.

"Hey, how's your family?"

Lukas spun some pasta onto his fork and took a bite, covering his lips with his hand while he spoke. "Good. Emil started high school. He still has that puffin you gave him, you know."

Mathias grinned, a genuine grin that he hadn't seen since he'd arrived at the restaurant. "I forgot about that. I remember I gave you, uh… a pink bunny. God, I was stupid," he said, laughing it off. "Do you still have it?"

Lukas shook his head. "I donated it to some charity."

Mathias took a slow breath, then nodded with a smaller smile. He figured, but it still made him feel something he really shouldn't have been feeling. "The watch?"

Lukas looked away, shaking his head. "Mathias, I—"

"Do you still have it?"

Lukas couldn't look up. He stared at his plate and shook his head reluctantly. "I haven't seen it in years." He gave a small, apologetic smile.

Mathias smiled, but his eyes were dim. "I understand. No worries."

What he wouldn't do for a drink right now. He would have killed to have a fake I.D. on him. "So, Lukas, are you seeing anyone?"

He almost laughed at that. "No, I'm not. I haven't since eighth grade."

Mathias chuckled, crossed his arms, and leaned back. "What? Why not?"

"I'm ace, actually."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Ace?"

"Asexual."

He stared at Lukas, blinked a few times, and shrugged, disregarding the comment entirely. They would have continued talking about it, but Natalya returned, and they spent the rest of dinner talking about their classes so far.

* * *

Mathias took out his wallet and sat down on his bed. The wallet was an auburn colour and worn out. He opened it up, pulling open a pocket that he hadn't opened since the day he got the wallet and pulled out the pin he had put inside. He had kept it in every single wallet he'd had since he started using wallets at all. The pin was gold and still shone the same. The cross shape wasn't bent. And the clasp still worked.

He ran his thumb over the metal, shaking his head and muttering, "What the hell am I doing?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: **"I've just seen a face" _~The Beatles_**

* * *

 _Falling, yes I am falling_

 _And she keeps calling_

 _Me back again_

* * *

Lukas couldn't believe this. Actually, he could, because he never had the best of luck, but still. He didn't want a roommate. He wanted to wait until semester, at least. He had received an email that the roommate would be moving in over the weekend from another dormitory.

He was still thankful that they wouldn't actually be sharing bedrooms. He took Teeny Weeny out of his cage and kissed his ear, muttering, "Not just going to be us anymore."

He hoped it wouldn't be some jerk like he met at the party he'd went to last week. But then again, it was a fraternity. Lukas refilled the bunny's water, then put him back. He'd been keeping the cage in the closet. He actually gave it a false front for dorm checks. They never looked in his closet, but still. Just in case they every did, he had purchased an array of cheap books and chopped off the spines.

On one hand, he hated destroying the books. But then again, when he glued the book spines all to a board he'd bought at the book store, it looked like a book shelf. He then had to just prop the board flush against the cage, and that was it. As long as nobody ever tried to remove one of the so called "books", he would be fine.

And as long as his new roommate wasn't nosey.

* * *

Mathias looked through Lukas' Instagram for probably the fourth time, careful not to "like" anything as he scrolled past a picture of Lukas kissing a grey rabbit. There was one of Emil on his first day of eighth grade. Then of Emil outside of the white house on what looked like a field trip. The very first picture ever posted was of a snowy front yard. It was just captioned, "Snow!" with a little snowflake next to it.

The second was Lukas in a graduation gown holding a diploma. There was only about fifty pictures in total. If even that. None of the pictures had more than four likes. That figured, considering he only had nineteen followers, himself included.

He clicked the message app at the bottom, finding Lukas' contact. He had given his number up at dinner near the end of it.

Mathias shot him a text saying, "Do you want to hang out right now? If you're up for it, it'd be cool to practice with you."

It took a few minutes, but he got a text back.

 _Practice what?_

"Music?" He sent back. The response was a lot quicker this time.

 _Okay. Where?_

Mathias punched in the address of the house and sent it. He took out his cello already, then stopped and looked in the bathroom mirror, fixing his hair. He then finished the beer on his dresser and tossed it in the trash, rinsing his mouth out with water so he could look somewhat put together.

* * *

"Oh, God," Lukas muttered, throwing on some clothes and actually looking in the mirror to fix his hair clip and his bangs. He grabbed his violin from under his bed and ran out, surely looking rough. When he arrived at the right address, his eyes widened.

 _SAE._

This was where he had gone for the party. Where he'd spilled a drink on some girl. Luckily, the house was calm. There was no party tonight. He walked up to the door, not bothering to knock because someone opened the door already. He was blond with glasses. He was only wearing swimming trunks for some reason. Lukas was sure that he'd seen him at the party.

"Hey, bro," he said, shaking Lukas' hand and pulling him inside. There were three men sitting on the couch. One was playing video games and the other two were typing on their laptops. None of them were Mathias.

"Mathias told me about how he knew you, Lukas. It's Lukas, right?"

He nodded, then looked at the staircase. "Where is he?"

"His room is the second to the left."

He started to go up, but stopped and said, "Thanks. What's your name?"

"Ah, shit. Sorry, dude. It's Alfred."

Lukas tried to remember the name as he continued upstairs. He knocked lightly on Mathias' door. "Mathias. It's me."

"Come in!"

He pushed the door open, seeing Mathias adjusting the strings on his cello. He knew a lot about instruments, and this one was nice. Then again, Mathias seemed to be serious about his music.

"Frat boy?" Lukas remarked, looking around the room and examining the sheets of music pinned to his wall along with a few sports posters. Mathias chuckled with an apologetic shrug.

"Yeah! Frat boy. It's not bad, I promise. I actually have to volunteer at different organizations to stick around. I'm not going around slipping roofies in drinks, you know."

Lukas shook his head quickly, regretting his comment. "I didn't mean it that—"

"Don't worry about it. The stereotypes are pretty fucking justified. Just can't live up to them. Are you going to get your violin out?" He plucked a few strings, listening closely before taking out a tuner and flipping it on. He played a note, watching the meter on the tuner. "Ah, dammit. So close," he murmured with a breathy laugh.

Lukas relaxed quite a bit and sat at Mathias' desk, taking his violin out and tuning it. He hadn't played in a few weeks because he'd been preparing for school. He was ready, though. He thought he was, at least, until he heard Mathias warming up.

Even the warm-up he did sounded excellent. If Lukas' father would have been there, he would have been all over Mathias with advice and questions, fawning over his talent and probably trying to convince him to go to the university he taught at.

"You sound good, Mathias. Did you take lessons?"

He grinned and opened a music book. "I did. I wish I could say it's all natural talent that just flows out of me, but I worked pretty hard."

Lukas warmed up as well, though he wasn't as good as Mathias was. He hadn't focused on his music in years. Even when his father had tried to teach him something new, he wasn't up for it. That had been in the past three or four years. Now, as he watched Mathias play through a sonata with ease, he wished he would have taken his father up on those offers.

"Your work really paid off. I'm impressed," he said once Mathias looked over at him again. This time, he just nodded and gestured Lukas over.

"Do you want to try a duet? I don't work on those a lot but working with someone else is always good," he said, pointing to a few sheets for Lukas. The notes were splattered everywhere. He didn't want to admit to Mathias that he didn't even think that he could play it.

"Well, I'll try," he nearly whispered. Mathias looked at his expression and said, "It says allegro, but I say fuck it. Fuck this Handel guy. He's dead and I'm alive and I say you can play at whatever speed you want."

Lukas let a smile show by accident and pursed his lips in rebuttal. "Thank you. I will."

With that, he began playing at a moderate speed, which even then was too fast for him. He'd never been good at sight-reading, but he would try anyways. Mathias was playing along really well. Even when Lukas played the wrong notes, which he was starting to do often because his nerves caused him to speed, Mathias sounded just right.

He glanced down at him, surprised when he was actually looking at the wall and not at the music. He suddenly stopped playing, which finally brought the others eyes up. "Huh? Why'd you stop?"

"You weren't looking at the music."

Mathias laughed, putting down his bow. "I didn't need to."

"You know it?"

"No. But I could hear what you were playing and I could match it with something. But you also weren't playing the right notes, so we're both wrong, huh?"

Lukas suddenly shoved Mathias' shoulder, more playfully than genuinely irritated. He stared at him once he'd realized what he'd done. "I didn't mean to do that, oh, God. I was out of place."

"No, no, no! It's okay! It really is," he said, rolling up his sleeve. "See? It's perfectly…" He paused, staring at Lukas with wide eyes. "Lukas…"

He swallowed thickly, looking up at the door. "I'm really, really sorry. Oh, God."

"Lukas, I think my arm is broken."

Lukas suddenly glared at him, his eyes narrowing as he reached over and shoved him even harder. Mathias just laughed, more amused than upset by any of this.

"You ass!"

Mathias' laughter stifled and he made a fake sad expression. "Shit. I've never been called that before."

Lukas grumbled and flipped through a book of duets on Mathias' bed. "Stop. I came here to practice and we're going to practice."

"Whatever you say, Lukas. Whatever you say."

* * *

All Mathias could hear was light breaths in his ear. Sometimes her arms would move. Never to wrap around him or touch him. They would lay limp beside her head or flung out to the side. Sometimes she would shift her legs, stretching them out to get more comfortable.

There was no kissing. That was a rule she'd stated early on. No kissing during sex. It turned her off, she'd said. That was okay with Mathias, too. He kept his face buried in her neck, as he hated this position and didn't care to look at her while he fucked her. But with his face in her neck, despite the disgustingly sweet perfume wafting off of her flesh, she was whoever he wanted her to be.

He had never let another name slip from his lips when he came, either. He was careful. He would normally bite into her neck, a reminder of sorts to not say something he would regret. He could always taste the perfume. It was bitter and stayed in his mouth for longer than he'd liked it to.

Tonight, her hair was sticking to her damp neck and he had to brush it away twice. He brushed it to the other side of her neck completely. He didn't want to feel it. He almost didn't want to hear her breaths anymore by the end of it, either. But his imagination was louder than her breaths, and it didn't take much to finish besides something tight, hot, and wet.

He never knew if she finished. He'd stopped caring. He pulled out, got up, got dressed, and left. He did mutter a quiet, "Have a good night," but that was all. What more was there to say to someone you kept around to fuck?

It hadn't always been that way. For the first four months, he didn't mind how cool she was. Or cynical. Or bland. He couldn't understand how he'd done it, but he had looked past those traits and seen smooth skin, a tight body, and a snarky but endearing personality that he was sure he could get used to.

Never had he been so wrong. He was in too deep, now. He'd tried to leave her at the end of July, but she had refused. She sent text after text his way, her cold exterior melting into one that revealed warmth and care. He felt guilty and decided to rekindle the dying relationship.

Within two weeks, things were back to the way they'd always been. There was no warmth. No care. No reason to stay besides sex and an easier semester. Breaking it off with her now, he knew, was like damning himself. She would break down and he would have to pick up the pieces. He didn't need something so stressful now. He needed to wait until the season was up.

He walked back into his house, seeing Alfred at the kitchen table with a bag of McDonalds. He plopped down in the chair next to him, not even commenting on the fast food like he normally would.

Alfred took a sip of his soda and offered Mathias his fries, which he reluctantly took. At that point, Alfred knew something was wrong. "What is it? Natalya or—"

"Spot on," he said as he shoved the fries into his mouth. "I just can't do it anymore, man. I can't. The sex is starting to turn to shit and I don't know what to do."

"Don't you have to leave in a couple hours, bro?"

Mathias rubbed his forehead sleepily and nodded. "Yeah. We're going up to Pittsburg. But I'm so fucking stressed."

"Well, you should dump her, bro."

"Do you remember how she acted? She's insane! She's going to come over here and try to get in and you guys are going to have to back me."

Alfred shoved two chicken nuggets into his mouth, washing them down with a gulp of soda before belching loudly. "Shit, dude. You're making this too complicated. I got your back. If a crazy bitch wants to come in, we won't let her. Simple as that. Now go get your shit together for Pittsburg, bro! You're going to kick ass!"

Mathias shook his head and finally smiled, patting Alfred on the back as he made his way to the stairs. "Thanks, man. I'll see you Sunday night."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: **"All Shook Up"** _~Elvis Presley_

* * *

 _Who do you thank when you have such luck?_

 _I'm in love_

 _I'm all shook up_

* * *

"I'm sorry, mama. I've just been so busy."

 _"It's okay! I just worry about you, Lukas. How is school? You making friends?"_

"Actually, I met an old one."

 _"What? How? Someone from the middle school or the high school? What a coincidence!"_

"Ah. No, mama. Older than that. You remember Mathias, right?"

There was silence on the other end. _"Mathias Kohler is there?! Did he know you were there?"_

"He's been here since his freshman year. If anyone looks like they're trying to reach someone, it's me."

 _"How did you find him? I can hardly believe it. I'd love to see how he looks now and how he's doing. Is he doing well?"_

Lukas thought back to the practice yesterday with Mathias and tried not to smile. It felt good to have a friend. He almost forgot to respond to his mother. "He is. He's doing really well. He plays soccer. Football, I mean. He plays cello still."

 _"How does he look?"_

Lukas let out a breathy laugh, then said, "Well, he looks fit. Tall. His hair is the same." His mother laughed at that.

 _"Send me a picture sometime! I'll be sure to tell your father. I'll try to tell Emil, but I don't know how well he remembers Mathias. All he knows is his puffin."_

"Thanks, mama. That'd be really nice."

There was another pause, then his mother said, _"Sooo…"_

"So?"

 _"You know what I mean."_

"I'm ace. I don't do well with relationships. Remember eighth grade? I don't need a repeat of that."

 _"But so much time has passed!"_

"But it was still awkward."

He could hear his mother sigh. _"So you had a bad kiss! I've had worse things happen with relationships."_

"He told everyone in the school! And the only reason it was bad was because I wasn't attracted to him. I just didn't realize it I guess… why am I telling you this? The point is, I'm ace."

His mother hummed quietly. _"Platonic love is very important, too!"_

He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, clutching the phone tighter. "Yes, but I know you. I know how you feel about it. I just don't feel attraction. There is nothing. I see someone who is clearly attractive and all I can think about is drawing references. 'Oh, his jawline would be nice to draw.' That's me, and—"

 _"Lukas. Stop right there. What do you think happens when other people see someone attractive? What happened to me when I saw your father?"_

Lukas slowly took Teeny Weeny out of his cage and put him on the desk, then put his mother on speaker phone. "I don't know."

 _"Do you think I turned into a soft pile of pudding?"_

He cut a square piece of paper, folding it into a little hat while he spoke. "I said I didn't know, mama."

 _"Well, I looked at him and thought his face was proportionate and he had a pleasant curve in his nose."_

He glanced at the phone as he spread the hat open with his fingertips, and responded with, "Really?" He heard her shuffle around, most likely cleaning up the house.

 _"Really. Attraction doesn't hit everyone like a brick. Sometimes it's subtle. It can just be recognizing the beauty in someone, like I did with your father."_

He didn't respond and his fingers had stopped working on the little hat. He just looked over at the phone, listening to the soft breathing from the other side with his eyebrows slightly furrowed.

 _"Lukas?"_

"I'm here. Sorry, I'm just working on something," he said, putting the paper hat on Teeny Weeny, then removing it to cut holes for the ears and taping up some edges.

 _"I know you're asexual or ace. I respect that. I just want you to know how complicated attraction can be sometimes. Even with friendships! Now, I have to go, Lukas. I love you!"_

He picked the phone up again, putting it to his ear. "I love you, too, mama. Tell Emil and dad I said hi. Goodbye."

 _"I will! Goodbye!"_

* * *

There was a new picture posted on Lukas' Instagram. Mathias stared at a picture of a rabbit with a little paper hat on. It even had ear holes. He grinned widely, shaking his head ever so slightly. He screenshot it, then sent the picture to Lukas with a few question marks. He got a message back with a picture of the rabbit in a bigger paper hat turned upside down to look like a boat.

Mathias glanced at the time. He could probably text for twenty minutes. Then he had a team meeting.

 **Mathias K.**

 _Why do you have that?_

 **Lukas**

 _He's mine._

 **Mathias K.**

 _I thought dorms wont let you have pets_

 **Lukas**

 _They don't._

 **Mathias K.**

 _I want that bun_

 **Lukas**

 _Tough._

 **Mathias K.**

 _I do want to see it tho_

 **Lukas**

 _I guess you can if you want._

 **Mathias K.**

 _I have a game rn actually. Let me hit up the bun on Wednesday bc im off that day_

 **Lukas**

 _Just you?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _Natalya isn't huge on animals. idk_

 **Lukas**

 _How? Rabbits are different._

 **Mathias K.**

 _Idk idk shes a mystery_

 **Lukas**

 _How long have you been dating?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _April? Maybe May_

 **Lukas**

 _I thought longer._

 **Mathias K.**

 _So whats up_

 **Lukas**

 _Reading._

 **Mathias K.**

 _Reading what_

 **Lukas**

 _About Native American folkways. Don't you have a game to be playing?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _Almost. Just trying to relax_

 **Lukas**

 _This is relaxing?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _Do you want to talk sometime soon? In person bc I really have some questions_

 **Lukas**

 _About?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _How youve been_

 **Lukas**

 _Why?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _Gtg!_

* * *

Lukas stared at the last text message that Mathias had sent him. He figured he had to go play his game now. Besides, his roommate and a few other people had been loading boxes into the living room for the past hour.

He still didn't know what his roommate looked like. He locked himself in his room when the first person came in with a box. The noises were stopping, though, and he figured they were about finished. He opened his door a crack, then shut it and fixed himself up a little so he could at least appear to be normal for whoever he was sharing the dorm with.

When he stepped out, he saw a blond man standing there on his phone. He walked over, nervously extending a hand. "I'm your roommate. Well, dorm mate. I-" He paused, examining his face. He actually looked a little nervous as well. "I saw someone who looked like you."

"Where?"

"Sigma…uh, Sigma Alpha—"

"I'd like to apologize, for starters," he said with a small smile as he shook Lukas' hand. "That was my jerk of a brother. Twins, right?"

Lukas raised his eyebrows in surprise, then sat down on the sofa. "Oh. I'm Lukas."

"Right on. I'm Matthew. Are you from- I want to say Germany, but I know better. Somewhere in Scandinavia. But you've been here a while."

"How can you tell?"

Matthew began unloading dishes into the cabinets, not stopping to even rest, apparently. "Linguistics major. It's my fourth year. Just love language, honestly. So where are you from?"

"Norway."

"Oh, cool. Well, it was nice to meet you, Lukas. I better get this stuff all put away," he said, continuing to unpack. Lukas took that as his cue to go back to his bedroom.

* * *

Mathias was more than glad to be back from Pittsburgh. He was exhausted from the game and from finishing his homework on the ride back. His back ached quite a bit, along with his legs and his shoulders. He walked into the house, sighing in relief and looking at Alfred and another one of his frat brothers.

"Hey, guys," he said, a smile appearing on his face as he sat down on the sofa for a moment.

"Hey, bro. Me and Jett were trying to beat this check-point. Fucking awful. You wanna try?"

Jett looked over, giving a lazy wave, then getting back to the video game in front of him. Mathias shook his head and took out his phone, finding the contact for his mother. "Nah, man. My mom has really been on me about calling. I'll see you sometime tomorrow, though."

Mathias pushed the call button at the bottom and went upstairs, lugging his bags behind him. Once he was in his bedroom, he shut and locked the door, then crashed on the bed. He could still hear the phone ringing and for a moment, he thought his mother might not answer, but suddenly there was a rustling noise and a, _"Hello?"_

"Mom, hey."

 _"Oh! Hello, sweetie! Was the game good? Did you beat their butts?"_

He smiled faintly, clearing his throat. "Uh, yeah. We did, actually. Sorry this one wasn't on TV. The next conference is, I'm pretty sure. Dad will be thrilled."

 _"Mhm. I know he will. Oh, how about orchestra?"_

"I'm actually learning a new piece! It's coming along really well. I kind of broke it down, you know? And the professor says she's really impressed. Actually thinks she can bring someone out to see me by the end of the year, but I don't know about that. Kind of going back and forth with sports and music."

 _"I see! That's nice, sweetie. I think football would be so great for you. Then I could tell all my friends about you! But then again, you play that cello so well. It'd be a waste for you to give that up. I know you'll make a good choice!"_

He smiled weakly, fiddling around with some sheet music and forcing a nod. "Yeah. Thanks, mom."

 _"Anytime. Well, it's late. I've got to leave soon. I'd let you talk to Bodil, but she's—"_

There was a pause and Mathias could hear someone talking, then his mother sighing with a small laugh.

 _"Nevermind, she's awake. I'm going to give her the phone."_

"Alright," he replied. There was another loud crinkling noise and then the sound of what seemed like running. After a good minute, he heard, _"Mathias, it's me!"_

He grinned widely when he heard her and said, "Howdy ho, Bodey Bo." She giggled at that. She always did.

 _"Guess what I did today?"_

"What did you do?"

 _"I went to the store and mom let me buy a bracelet and I bought you one, too! It has a little violin on it."_

Mathias rubbed his eyes and chuckled quietly. Cello, viola, and bass were all violins to her. It was amusing, if anything. "Oh, yeah! I'm excited! Send it to me."

 _"You'll wear it?"_

"Every single day."

 _"Moooooom! Where are the stamps? And an antelope?"_

He raised an eyebrow, put the phone on speaker, and gathered everything he needed for a shower, taking it into the bathroom in the hallway. He came back, now hearing a brief argument over where the stamps were.

"She keeps them on top of the fridge, Bodey."

 _"Bodil, be careful!"_

Mathias heard her giggle and say, _"Okay! I'm going to send it to you really soon!"_

"Alright, Bodey! Thank you. I have to go now, but I miss you. And I miss mom. And I don't miss Nick."

 _"Mathias! You stop that!"_

He picked the phone up, went downstairs, and poured himself a glass of orange juice. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Come on! He created Bodey, so he can't be that bad."

 _"Hm. You be good! Stay out of trouble, sweetie. I love you."_ The phone was clearly moved and then he heard, _"Mathias, I love you, too! Also, good luck on music!"_

"I love you both. And thanks, Bodey! I'm sure I'll be great now. Goodnight."

 _"Goodnight!"_

There was a soft click, then nothing. Mathias put the phone back in his pocket, then took his glass upstairs and took the bottle of vodka out from under his bed, filling the glass the rest of the way and swirling it around. He took a long drink, then walked to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror.

He didn't look his best. He tugged at the bags under his eyes and rubbed his calves, wishing some asshole wouldn't have dug his boots into the side of his leg. He pressed a thumb into the bruise, testing how tender it was. He knew it could have been so much worse. He'd never completely ruined his leg, at least, like some players had.

Mathias finished the drink quickly, then hopped into the shower. As soon as he did, he remembered that he hadn't texted Lukas back. He hadn't texted Natalya back, either, but he was sure he wasn't going to, anyway.

He needed to ask Lukas if he was definitely free for Tuesday. He had so many questions about what happened once he arrived in America. About his life, his family, everything. He had invested too much time on him already once in his life to let him go.

He still had no idea what he was doing, though. Maybe he shouldn't have been doing anything at all. It wasn't like he was trying to make a move on him. _I'm not even gay. It's not like I want to fuck guys or something,_ he thought as he washed his hair. He suddenly stopped, turned his nose up faintly, and shut his eyes. For a moment, he tried to imagine what it would be like to actually touch Lukas, and it wasn't bad, actually.

 _Oh fuck, am I gay?_

He opened his eyes again, checking to see if he had a boner. He didn't. But he also wasn't thinking too hard on the subject.

 _I'm not gay._

He rinsed off and stepped out of the shower, dressing while his body was still wet. He walked back to his room, sitting on his bed and running his fingers through his hair.

 _I haven't been attracted to any guys I'm pretty fucking sure,_ he thought. Well, there were guys that were noticeably attractive. But that didn't mean he was _attracted_ to them.

Suddenly, his eyes moved to his laptop. He opened it and slowly typed in a website at the top. It filled in, as he used it a lot.

 _XXX Sexy Red Head fucked for the first time in the ASS_

He stared at the video that popped up, ignoring it and clicking on the search bar, just typing in, "gay".

" _Cock Virgins Dorm Room Threesome"_

Mathias covered his mouth with his hand, then got up and double-checked the lock on the door.

 _"Hung muscled Hunk raw fucks a slim smooth lad aggressively"_

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, letting out a silent laugh.

Finally, after a few minutes of scrolling, he clicked on one that said, _"Hung daddy wanks, rims, face fucks, then raw breeds a younger smooth lad."_

Out of all of the ones, that one looked the most decent. If any of them could be called decent at all. It took him fifty seconds to pause it and bury his face into his hands.

 _What the fuck is wrong with me?_

He looked up and played it again. When he paused it next, which was only about twenty seconds later, he slowly shook his head.

 _Am I gay?_

Again, he pushed the play button, though he skipped a few minutes in until he could see them actually fucking. The moment of the truth. He stared at the screen for less than thirty seconds before slamming the laptop shut and putting it away.

 _So I'm a little gay. Not a big deal! Not a big deal. Dealt with this before. Ten years ago._

He laid down and covered up, although it wasn't nearly late enough for bed. He stared at the wall, barely blinking.

He knew the video had turned him on and he also knew that he was going to have to take care of it pretty soon, but for a moment, he just wanted to stay there, taking in the fact that he was going to have to deal with a potential obstacle that he thought he'd dodged long ago.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: **"Junk of the Heart" _~The Kooks_**

* * *

 _I wanna make you happy_

 _I wanna make you feel alive_

 _Let me make you happy_

 _I wanna make you feel alive at night_

* * *

Lukas was scrambling to finish his homework so he wouldn't have anything to stress about while Mathias was over. He was currently trying to finish reading an article on the history of graphic design in America, but it was so dull and he thought he might just fall asleep.

Mathias hadn't specified when he was going to arrive. Just that he would arrive sometime in the evening. That meant cleaning up the dorm and his room. He was relieved that Matthew wasn't messy, although he was home more than he thought he'd be. They talked sometimes, but never about anything important. Just small talk. Lukas tried to stay in his room most of the time.

There was a knock on his door and Lukas looked away from his phone. "What?"

"Mathias is here," Matthew said. Lukas ran his fingers through his hair quickly and fixed his pin before opening the door up. Mathias was looking around, although Lukas wasn't sure why because the dorm was still bare.

"Mathias."

He turned to Lukas with a wide grin. "Lukas! Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing. Come look," he said, motioning him into the bedroom and opening up the closet to reveal a cage. "This is Teeny Weeny."

Mathias laughed at the name. "Teeny Weeny? Why?"

Lukas shot him a look, then took out the bunny and stroked his ears. "It was Emil's idea. Teeny Weeny is old."

Lukas gave him to Mathias, who pulled lightly on the soft fur. "Old man," he murmured, playing with the ears. "When did you get him?"

They sat down on the bed, although Lukas made a point to leave some space between them. "I was twelve when I got him."

"Wow. He's small for being so old."

"It's just the breed," he said, flopping one of the ears around with a small smile on his face. "I love him. He's been helpful."

It was clear that the pet meant a lot to Lukas. Mathias was even gentler because of that. "How did he help you?"

"He's comforting," he replied. "He's like a little friend."

They were both silent after that. Mathias was baby-talking to the bunny and Lukas was trying to contain a bigger smile. He remembered something, though, and said, "What questions did you want to ask?"

"Right! I wanted to ask about your life. Just the major things. Events and people. Since you left Copenhagen, I mean."

Lukas didn't want to talk about that. He really hadn't had the most enjoyable time. Of course he had a few moments, but overall, he wished that things would have been better. His only comfort had been his family and his rabbit. A lot of it was because he chose to be anti-social, although he didn't want to admit that his unhappiness was his own fault.

"I could start with sixth grade. Is that okay?"

Mathias nodded, getting comfortable on the bed by leaning against the bedpost, Teeny Weeny still in tow. "Yeah! Just go ahead and go by each grade."

Lukas glanced at the floor, gathering his thoughts. "I didn't like sixth grade. I had a bad time. Nobody was mean, I just didn't make friends. I almost asked to be home-schooled." His next words were _I missed you,_ but he couldn't get them out. It didn't feel appropriate. He needed to rephrase it.

"I thought about you, too, Mathias," he said. Upon hearing his name, Mathias looked up.

Really, Mathias was pleased. He felt at peace knowing that he wasn't entirely dropped. "I missed you, too."

Lukas' eyes narrowed faintly and he struggled to get the words out. "I didn't say that," he muttered quietly. Mathias' face dropped, but he recovered with a grin and a short laugh. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking," he said. "I didn't mean to make it weird."

Lukas stared blankly at him, then said, "I did miss you, though."

 _Thank God,_ Mathias thought. It was like a bullet right through the heart to hear otherwise. "Just go ahead and continue, Lukas. Seventh grade."

"Seventh grade was about the same. A little better because they let me into the advanced orchestra early."

Mathias smiled softly, watching him speak. Lukas didn't notice it at all, and that was good, because Mathias couldn't have hid the fact that he was admiring.

"Eighth grade was the worst year I'd had in middle school," he began, facing the door for this story. "There was a boy in my science class who just…" He paused to gather his thoughts once again. "He had a crush on me for some reason. I think it was because I had one of those stupid rubber bracelets with the multi-coloured flag. The gay pride one. I just thought I was showing support and all. I wasn't really trying to attract anyone."

Mathias nodded, leaning in so he could hear the story better, genuinely curious.

"But I wore it and the boy in my science class noticed and I didn't think about it. We worked on Sudoku puzzles together because we had a choice to do them for extra credit in that class. I never knew he liked me until he came up to me one day and hugged me. It lingered longer than it should have. People I didn't even know told me he liked me. It sounds so childish," he muttered, shaking his head. But Mathias put a hand on his shoulder and nodded.

"Continue. I want to know what happened. I mean, clearly this was important."

He reluctantly began again. "We had a dance in the fall. He wanted to dance and I agreed to be polite. I didn't like him that way. He was my only friend. I wanted to keep it that way. But he didn't and he kissed me, and I went along with it because, well, I didn't want him to hate me for refusing a kiss. It was good having a friend."

Mathias was frowning now.

"But I was such a bad kisser I guess and he told everyone in the school and they all made fun of me for the rest of the year. They created all kinds of rumors. Someone said I was so quiet because I was a secret member of the Hitler youth. It's almost funny now, but it wasn't funny then."

Mathias almost commented, but he knew it would have been pointless now. And he didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing. "Ninth grade?"

"My parents tried to send me to private school and I refused because I thought I was a hardcore atheist at the time," he said with a hint of a smile. "By the end of the year, I wished they would have sent me there. I didn't make any friends because I wore the same jacket every day and always had headphones on."

Mathias chuckled at that, not being able to help himself. "Yeah, yeah. Sounds about right."

Lukas smiled a little more freely, leaning against the wall. "I wore khakis a lot tenth grade. I dressed too nice to compensate for dressing so poorly."

"Naturally," the other said, crossing his arms with his usual grin.

"Junior year is when Emil started disowning me. He started realizing it wasn't cool to like your brother."

"Nah, he loves you."

Lukas gave a shrug. "He does, but it still wasn't a good experience for me. Junior year was similar to sophomore year. Then senior year came. I didn't have time for anything but school. I needed to graduate on top. I still only managed to be number thirty."

"So what'd you do after school for those two years before coming to Wake Forest?"

"Community college. I wasn't quite ready to leave my family behind," he said, a faint frown forming. "But I'm here now."

The way Lukas spoke made Mathias worried. "Do you regret it? Coming here?"

Lukas hadn't talked about this with anyone. He didn't like to mention how stressed he was about his entire life as a whole. He wasn't even sure about his major and he was a junior in college. He had just picked a degree, because really, he didn't want to do anything. It wasn't that he was lazy, he just didn't see anything that could make him happy forever, and all he wanted to be was happy.

"University worries me, Mathias. I just need a good degree from a good school."

"Lukas," he started, rubbing his neck for a moment while he thought. "You need to make the best of this time. You know? And I probably sound like everyone else. Savor time and things like that. But it's true. You're not here forever. Life comes. Real life, that is."

Lukas couldn't believe that Mathias could sit here and say something so smart to him. Something so right. It almost made him angry. "I know. I'm sorry for talking so much."

"I want to know what you're so worried about."

"You shouldn't care. You barely know me anymore," he said quietly.

Mathias just stared at him, shrugging faintly and flashing a smile. "I do care. I'm trying to get to know you because I think you're worth knowing!"

Lukas stared back, slowly smiling and shaking his head. "You're positive. Tell me what happened to you."

"I've always been positive!"

Lukas shook his head and scooted a little closer to him. "Since I left."

Mathias couldn't tell him what hell it had been for him for the first year. He couldn't tell him that he'd cried over him and been forced to see a counselor once a week. "Sixth grade was terrible. I actually don't want to talk about it, if you don't mind. I can tell you that my mom met her second husband."

"She remarried?"

"Yeah. But wait, there's more. In eighth grade, she was pregnant. By ninth grade, I had a little sister. Here, I have a picture. Pictures, actually. I love her so fucking much," he said, showing Lukas pictures of her on his phone. "Her name is Bodil, but I call her Bodey. She thinks it's funny."

Lukas just stared at the little girl, surprised by how much he'd missed. "She looks like your mom. She has eyes like yours, though."

"Thanks! I think. She's my best girl. I hate to be a soccer mom, but I honestly don't give a shit. How about Emil? Can I see him?"

Lukas nodded and took his phone out, showing pictures of Emil and his parents. Mathias stared at it for a good minute, zooming in on Emil. "Wow. He looks like you. But chubby."

"We're thinking it's a phase," he said with a soft laugh.

"Anyways, I actually graduated with Gilbert. We still talk. Although Ned moved a few years after you. He had to go back to Holland. I still connect with him through social media and things like that. We don't talk, but I see what he's up to."

"What are they both doing?"

Mathias slid to another picture, revealing Gilbert in a tux and a woman next to him in a wedding dress. Lukas grabbed the phone, not believing it. "He's married?"

"Yeah! They were married in June. I was his best man. Liz went to school with us, too. I don't know if you ever really knew her, though. Besides marriage, he owns his father's company. He makes a lot of money."

"Is Ned married?"

Mathias opened up an app, showing a picture of Ned. "No. He works as a waiter, from what I can tell. He smokes a lot, too. He told me there was a way he could get me good quality cheap weed in Charlotte, so I don't know what exactly he's doing besides waiting on people."

Lukas looked over at him curiously. "You smoke?"

"Sometimes. Not often because I run and smoke kills the lungs. You smoke?"

Lukas slowly shook his head. He had never smoked. He'd considered it, but he was sure it would make his anxiety worse, so he never tried. "No. I don't care for it."

"Just don't like it?"

"I don't like the stigma."

Mathias was silent for a moment before saying, "I understand that."

Lukas shifted uncomfortably before standing up. "Do you think I should?"

"What? No. You don't need to smoke. Don't smoke. Unless you want to."

"Does it bother you that I don't?"

Mathias blinked slowly, giving him a curious look. "Of course not. Do you want to smoke? We can. I have some in my room. Papers, too."

For a moment, Lukas just looked at the floor, as if deciding on his answer in his head before he spoke too soon.

"I'm not cool."

Mathias tried to cover a smile, but he started laughing and stood up. "What? Holy shit. Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's just a personal thing."

"But it's bonding I miss out on."

Mathias was full on laughing now, more amused than concerned like Lukas was. "How did we get on this subject? Look, you aren't missing out. I promise. You aren't alone because you don't smoke, Lukas. Alright? Smoking isn't that good, anyway."

"Oh, God. I'm weird," Lukas said in a monotone voice as he looked out the window. The other stood behind him, trying to get a look at his face.

"You're overthinking this, Lukas. You really are."

"It's not just that. It's with everything. Everything that people do to have a good time and enjoy themselves are things I don't like to do. Is it fair that I'm not willing to change?"

Mathias could see his reflection in the window, and instead of looking blank-faced like he often did, his eyebrows were turned up and he was frowning. It wasn't funny to him anymore. It was concerning and he felt bad that Lukas saw himself as low for doing what he wanted to do.

"It's fair. It's okay to be unwavering on certain things, Lukas."

In the window, Lukas' eyes found a spot and they didn't move again. He only said, "That makes me feel better."

Mathias looked at the clock, then smiled softly and put a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's grab something to eat. I know a great place."

* * *

"I don't fucking know, Alfred," he murmured, taking a long drag and leaning back in Alfred's computer chair. "I just feel so fucking guilty."

"He doesn't need your pity, bro," he responded, taking the joint from Mathias and taking a drag off of it as well. "Honestly, why do you feel bad?"

"Because he was my best friend basically. I should have found a way to make sure he was okay and I didn't. And now he's just full of anxiety and I put my hand on his shoulder and he was so fucking tense."

"That's not your fault."

Mathias unscrewed the lid on the orange juice and put it to his lips, taking a large gulp. "But I still feel bad, man. He doesn't have any friends here. He deserves so many friends. I want to give him every friend in the world."

"You sound like a faggot, bro."

Mathias choked on the juice and coughed into his sleeve roughly. "Fuck, man. Look what you made me do!"

"I think you should just invite him out as much as possible. Since he isn't social," Alfred said. "He'll get used to it and he'll get good with people."

"Yeah. I think I'll try that," he murmured under his breath. "I just want to see him happy."

Alfred looked over at him and started laughing, trying to catch his breath. "Fuck, bro. You remember sociology? We watched that documentary on that crippled girl or whatever who was just fucked from being secluded for twelve years? That's like Lukas."

Mathias slowly turned to him, glaring and standing up to leave. "Hey, fuck you, man."

"Wait! Your weed, sir," Alfred said in a fake British accent as he held up a little bag. Mathias glanced back at it, reluctantly shaking his head.

"You keep the rest. I just wanted a last 'hurrah', man. I think I'm done."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: **"When Did Your Heart Go Missing?" _~Rooney_**

* * *

 _I'm retracing every step in my head_

 _What did I miss back then?_

 _I was so, so misled_

* * *

 **Mathias K.**

 _Hey you busy tonight_

 **Lukas**

 _Why?_

 **Mathias K.**

 _I have a match. Its gonna be on tv so you should definitely come_

 **Lukas**

 _I'll think about it._

 **Mathias K.**

 _Party after. Think about that too_

Lukas stared at the phone. He was sure he'd go to the match. He got in free as a student and he could leave at any time. But the last party he attended was off-putting. If he was going to have to deal with an ass like he had to deal with last time, he didn't want to go.

At least he'd know someone there, though. Maybe things wouldn't go as bad as they had before. He stood up, looking at himself in the mirror he'd bought just a few days back. He didn't think he'd looked at his own reflection so much before. It wasn't pleasing, exactly, but he cared more than he should have.

He removed the hairpin, then slid it back in tighter. His eyes moved to his eyebrows, which he never dealt with. He swore the hairs went up an inch past where they were supposed to be on the ends. At least the hair was light, because he really didn't want to have to wax them or whatever it was women did to contain them.

Facial hair wasn't a problem, either. He was bad at growing it. It came in patchy and was too light to make much of a difference. That was the same with most of the hair on his body. He just wasn't very hairy, although what he did grow, he rarely shaved. There was no reason to.

He wished he wasn't so pale, either. Like he hadn't had sun in years. All of the blue veins were visible from his neck down to his wrists. He was practically translucent. Like one of those weird fish that live at the bottom of the ocean. He held up an arm, flexing it and staring at what muscle was there.

Lukas really should have worked out. He wasn't doing a sport, but he should have been keeping up with his health better and it took seeing someone healthy and fit like Mathias to realize that.

Although he still wouldn't exercise now. He knew he wouldn't. It was just a thought.

* * *

Everything was so bright and loud and confusing, but Lukas was at the match, sitting in the bleachers with the other students. He had come a little late, but he was here now. He scanned the field for Mathias, although he had no idea which number he was until he heard,

 _"Number five, Mathias Kohler drives it home!"_

The student section was loud. They were cheering and throwing fists up into the air, while Lukas just sat there quietly clapping, his eyes now fixed on Mathias. He was smiling, he could tell that from here. He was also sweaty, because he was glistening.

Next to him, he could hear people talking about Mathias. He recognized one as Natalya, while the others were probably her friends. _Don't eavesdrop. Don't do it…_

He slowly scooted closer to them.

"I wish he put that much effort into our relationship," she said, crossing her arms. Lukas almost stopped listening, feeling guilty for listening to something that was clearly intimate, but he didn't move away. There was a part of him, a devil on his shoulder, almost, that needed to have something against her.

"Honestly he is so hot, Natalya," one of her friends said. Natalya sighed, taking a drink of tea from a square bottle under the bench.

"Like, yeah. But he acts like such an asshole sometimes. I don't even deserve to be treated like that."

Was Mathias an asshole? That figured. That would be Lukas' luck.

"You need a tighter leash, honey," the other friend said.

"I looked through his phone the other day. He doesn't know I know the password," she said with a smirk. "I wanted to make sure he wasn't cheating, you know?"

The friend cleared her throat and gave a small laugh, then said, "Yeah, I totally get that. I'm sure he isn't _that_ bad."

Her tone made Lukas cringe and he had to wonder why the friend was so antsy about the subject of Mathias cheating. His instincts told him that she and Mathias had probably done something they shouldn't have, but for some reason, thinking that made him feel sick.

"The only other people he was texting was some idiot friend from Denmark named Gil or something, his mom, Alfred, of course," she said with an eye roll, "And then that Lukas guy from my folklore class, which I don't even know why he's talking to him."

Lukas tensed and covered his face slightly, not looking at them anymore but still listening. It was hard because there was a sudden cheer, but when things settled, Natalya began talking again.

"Like, he's so weird. He doesn't say anything, I swear. It's like there's nothing there."

"Like, what do you mean? Better explanation, Natalya."

She seemed to think for a moment. "Like a robot or something. Like there isn't an actual soul there. Ugh, it's weird. He doesn't show any emotion but sometimes he looks nervous."

"Maybe Mathias just wants to mess with him," the friend suggested. Lukas' breath caught in his throat and he wished he hadn't decided it would be okay to listen to their conversation. It only made him feel bad. He scooted further away, staring down at his lap. He didn't know why he cared. People had said worse things about him and he brushed it off most of the time.

He buried his face in his hand, glad when the game finally ended and he could stand. By now, he was scrambling to push past people and leave. He didn't want to go to the party anymore. Natalya would be there and Mathias would hang out with her and in turn, Lukas would have to hang out with her.

The people were so thick that he couldn't get past them and he had to walk the other way to use the south entrance. As soon as he turned, though, he heard someone calling his name.

 _Please don't,_ he thought, his entire body tensing. It was too late. Mathias climbed up into the bleachers and pulled him into a sweaty hug that surprised Lukas more than it should have. He awkwardly patted his back, not minding how damp he was much.

"I'm so fucking glad you're here, Lukas. You have no idea. I thought you weren't gonna show!"

"Yeah. You did a really good job."

Mathias cocked his head to the side and grinned, trying to read Lukas' expression. "You coming to the party?"

He swallowed thickly and shook his head, looking blankly at the ground. Mathias frowned slightly, grasping onto his shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I don't think I should go."

Mathias looked around, then leaned in closely to him. "Look, if you feel uncomfortable, I'll walk you back to your dorm. Doesn't matter if you only come five minutes. Say the word and you're out of there."

"Who's going to be there?"

Before he answered, Mathias looked at everyone in the stadium. "Is there someone you're worried about? Someone fucking with you?!"

"No! No." He sighed quietly, thinking the situation over. He knew Natalya would be there, but surely she wouldn't treat him different than she had before. Even if it was fake, it would be better than if she flat out acted like she didn't like him. "I'll go."

"Great! I'm so glad you changed your mind."

Mathias was in and out of the locker room in a flash. Lukas waited for him and they walked to the party together. It was at another house, not Mathias'. They walked in together, but Mathias immediately left him to find the drinks. He came back with two beers in his hand, half of one already gone. He handed one to Lukas, who held it without putting it to his lips.

"I don't drink," he said quietly. Mathias finished the beer in his hand and took Lukas'.

"I understand. No worries, Lukas."

"Mat," a shrill voice said. Lukas looked at the floor again, freezing in place. Mathias turned to Natalya with a smile as he drank his second beer.

"Hey, Natalya. You like the game?"

Her eyes flickered from Lukas to Mathias. She wasn't happy. "Can I talk to you in private, Mat?"

"Yeah, hold on."

He chugged the rest of the beer, wiped his mouth, then followed her, giving Lukas an apologetic look. Natalya went into a bedroom and slammed the door shut, locking it. "Why didn't you come see me after the game?"

"What?"

"I literally come to your stupid game and you don't even see me after it's over. I could have been doing better things than attending the game, okay? I saw you hugging that guy and I don't even know why the hell you were doing that. He clearly doesn't like it. You keep being so fucking weird."

"I'm just being friendly, alright? You wouldn't understand that."

"I literally am so nice to you. I do so much for you and I deal with your shit and you treat me like a whore!"

Mathias groaned and rubbed his face, muttering, "Oh my God. Can we please not do this right now?"

"No, we're doing this right now."

"I just won the fucking game. I don't think this is the time, alright?"

Natalya shoved his chest hard and huffed loudly, tears welling up in her eyes. "You're such a fucking prick! You don't give a shit about me!"

"Maybe if you weren't acting like such a fucking psycho, I wouldn't be such a prick. Such a fucking cunt sometimes."

She was crying now and Mathias looked away, rubbing his forehead slowly. He couldn't help the guilty feeling that was washing over him. He didn't hate Natalya. He didn't want to make her miserable. But he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't want a relationship anymore. He was trapped and he was snapping from the pressure of having to please someone he didn't want to please.

He knew that was no excuse.

"I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing this. I wanted to wait on this and tell you later, but it can't wait anymore. We can just be friends if you want, but I can't do this anymore," he said quietly, looking away from her. Her tears ceased for a moment before she started sobbing.

"Fuck you, Mathias! You're such a fucking asshole!" She walked over, banging her fists on his chest and shoving him into the wall. He just let her. It didn't hurt badly enough to matter and he knew she needed to get rid of some of her anger.

"I know. I'm a fucking asshole."

She wiped her eyes and walked over towards the door, opening it. "Whatever. You'll be back for me, just like last time. Because you're fucking pathetic and I know you can't stand to be alone," she spat out, venom dripping in every word. Mathias didn't watch her leave, but he knew when he heard the front door slam shut that she was gone.

He walked out, surprised to see a small group gathered around the door, watching him. Alfred put a hand on his shoulder, although he was smiling. "Atta boy. Remove all that toxic shit from your life, bro."

He gave a weak smile and began laughing, reaching for another beer. "Yeah, I guess so, man. Sorry you all had to hear that. I didn't want to do that now. Wanted to wait until the season was up, but you gotta do what you gotta do."

Mathias wasn't sure how he felt about what had just happened. He didn't feel bad, but he didn't feel good, either. He didn't want to break up with her here or now. It was a complication he wasn't quite ready to deal with.

"Hey, where's Lukas?" He said, suddenly noticing that he was nowhere to be seen. Alfred shrugged, as did everyone else. It was obvious now that he'd left, and Mathias, without another word, left to find him.

* * *

Lukas had heard everything. He wanted to move, but his feet felt heavy. He heard Natalya call herself a whore, Mathias call her a psycho, and he heard her crying. When she ran out, she had given him a dirty look that made even _him_ feel like he needed to apologize.

He no longer wanted to be there. He walked out after she did, practically running back to his dorm. Matthew looked up at him when he came in, wondering why he looked so red and out of breath. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little…" He motioned to his own face with a grimace. Lukas huffed, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and drinking it quickly.

"Fine. I'm tired," he said, starting to walk over to his room. Someone knocked on the door right as he was about to walk in. He slowly turned, hoping it wasn't who he thought it was. Of course it was exactly the person he was expecting.

"Mathias."

"Lukas, you left!"

"You said I could leave whenever I wanted," he replied. He tried to shut the door, but Mathias put a hand on it and kept it pushed open a crack.

"Come on, jus' lemme apologize. I'm guessing you heard all that."

Lukas hesitated. Of course he'd heard it. He'd been standing right there. He slowly opened the door and allowed Mathias in, though he led him to the bedroom and immediately shut the door so Matthew wouldn't hear any of this.

"Don't apologize," he said quietly. "I don't care."

"I really am sorry, though. I tried to tell 'er I didn't wanna talk about that."

He looked over, giving Mathias a suspicious look. "It was your fault just as much as it was hers."

"What? Come on, Lukas."

"You could have shut it down but you didn't. You didn't remain unwavering when you should have."

Mathias stopped talking and just nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it."

Lukas sat down on the bed, taking off his shoes and wishing Mathias would just go so he could go to sleep and forget how awful he'd heard Mathias be. "You can go."

Mathias stood there, not moving for some reason. He didn't have a plan, but he didn't want to leave like this. Everything felt too unresolved. "Come on."

"Go, please."

"Lukas, I don't wanna leave ya."

The other scooted back on the bed, not wanting Mathias to be any closer. "Why?"

He sat on the bed, forcing Lukas to stand up so he could be further away again. He kept his arms crossed tightly across his chest. He was wary of Mathias, mostly because of the drinks he'd had back at the party.

"You sure yer asexual?"

Lukas nearly choked. He couldn't believe he was hearing this. He almost sounded like his mother. If his mother was a drunk frat boy, that is.

"I'm…" He wasn't positive, but close enough. "I'm sure."

"Lukas, tha's bullshit. You're too good to be asexual."

At this point, Lukas was moving towards the door and Mathias was standing again. He wondered if Matthew could hear them. "I'm ace! I didn't choose it."

"But ya miss out!"

The others eyes narrowed, then he said, "On what?"

Mathias moved forward faster than Lukas had expected and grabbed his waist, pulling him into a kiss that was surprisingly forceful and bitter like the beer he had probably had on his way over.

Lukas, with strength he rarely had to use, shoved him off and slapped him in the face so hard that his palm felt numb. "Get out!" He yelled shakily, opening the door and grabbing his collar. Mathias was stunned. He pulled out of Lukas' grip and gave him a look of pure betrayal, although if anyone should have been feeling betrayed, it was Lukas.

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted!"

Lukas watched him as he sauntered out into the living room. Matthew had a stack of pancakes on a paper plate and was watching the two like it was the best episode of Jerry Springer he'd ever seen. Lukas didn't have time to care. He followed Mathias, suddenly feeling guilty.

"Mathias, I didn't mean—"

"No. It's my fault. I'll leave ya alone, Lukas. Jus' have a good night for me," he said quietly as he walked out the front door, slamming it so hard that Lukas could hear some of the furniture shaking.

Lukas stared at the door with wide eyes, then ran back into his room and slammed the door shut, curling up on his bed. He buried his face in his hands, letting out a scoff.

Because the worst part wasn't the kiss. Or that Mathias left. Or that he showed up drunk. Or that he had just broken up with his girlfriend and was already moving on, even.

It was the way his cheeks had felt hot when he was being kissed. The way that his stomach churned in the worst best way. And how he knew that if Mathias would have been sober, he wouldn't have pulled away.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: **"I Think I Love You" _~The Partridge Family_**

* * *

 _I think I love you so what am I so afraid of?_

 _I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for_

 _I think I love you isn't that what life is made of?_

 _Though it worries me to say that I've never felt this way_

* * *

 _Fuck. Oh, fuck._

Had he really done that? Mathias rubbed his forehead and got out of bed, wishing the curtains weren't wide open with the light blaring into his room like the sun itself was a few inches away from his window. He stumbled over to the window, shut the blinds, and searched for his sunglasses.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do," he murmured under his breath. He had fucked up big time. This was the worst thing that could have happened. Well, not the worst, because he had no problem with kissing Lukas. But he didn't want to kiss him so soon. He'd probably scared him off.

Even if he hadn't scared Lukas off, there was no way in hell he was going to text him. He'd end up humiliating himself even further. And what were the chances he'd text back? Something like zero.

He needed a real plan. A way to apologize that seemed sincere. What he really needed to do was apologize in person. But should he text first? Call? Show up unexpectedly?

No, no. Not the last one. But what if he didn't text back or answer his phone? It was a good possibility. Mathias wished he could have asked Alfred for help, but he would want to know who he'd kissed, and there was no way he was telling Alfred that it had been another guy.

Suddenly, he opened his laptop, turning the brightness down to the lowest setting, and typed in a website into the search bar. It was an ask website he'd used a few times back in high school that he still had an account on. He typed into the question bar. "Last night I got drunk and made a move on my friend and I need advice."

He had no idea what he was going, and this would hopefully help. After a while, he got an answer that said, _"Text her and tell her you were possessed by a demon and it wasn't your fault."_

As bad as he felt, he laughed and scrolled down, seeing a second answer that he hadn't noticed before. This one read, _"I would definitely call or text her and apologize, if I were you. Let her know how much she means to you, and tell her that you weren't yourself when you kissed her that night."_

The answer was surprisingly sound. Mathias took his phone out, composing a text.

* * *

Lukas hadn't moved from his bed for anything but the bathroom, water, and a couple pieces of toast since last night. He felt emotionally drained. Almost like he'd ran a marathon. He didn't plan on getting out of his bed until he had to go to class tomorrow.

Last night was still eating at him. Part of him said to blame the entire situation on Mathias, but the other part said to blame himself. After all, Mathias might have clung to what little relationship they had in fifth grade.

 _But did he have to kiss me? Idiot. . ._

He wrapped the comforter tighter around his body and began to read his book again. It was hard to distract himself with reading, though, because he'd mindlessly read through three pages and realized he'd been thinking about something else the entire time. After a few minutes, he set the book on the nightstand and turned onto his other side.

"I'm kind of worried about you. Not to sound rude, but you've been in here since last night. Do you need food or water or anything?"

It was Matthew. He had opened the door a crack, but wasn't looking in. That was excellent because Lukas looked like a zombie, he was sure. "I'm fine. Thanks," he replied. He waited a moment before the door clicked shut, then he closed his eyes for his third nap that day.

He fell asleep for what felt like hours. He would have slept longer, but he heard his phone buzz and grabbed it, fumbling in his tired state to type in his password. When he saw the text, his stomach churned.

 **(336)445-1024**

 _Hey, I just wanted to apologize for how I acted. I wasn't myself AT ALL and I didn't mean to scare you. Could we talk sometime? Sometime after the 26_ _th_ _? So you have some space. I am so, so sorry!_

Lukas was too eager to forgive him. He wasn't supposed to be giving in like this. He was already typing a response, although he should have been using his head more.

 **Lukas**

 _Fine._

 **(336)445-1024**

 _Thank you Lukas you don't know how much this means to me_

 **Lukas**

 _I need to sleep._

 **MathiAss**

 _Ok goodnight?(Afternoon)_

* * *

The reason Mathias couldn't talk for so long was because of an upcoming game in Akron. He wasn't as excited for it, though. Despite Lukas texting him back, he was stressed out. Of course he couldn't tell how he was through text, but he seemed upset.

That's all he was thinking about on the bus ride to Ohio. He was trying to create a master plan for gaining Lukas' trust again. He was also avoiding all of Natalya's texts and phone calls. She was relentless. His voice box was full and it was useless deleting her texts because she would just send them all back within the hour. Didn't she have something better to do?

Alfred thought he should answer one of her calls and roast her, but he wasn't that bad. He felt too guilty. He already felt like an asshole for everything he'd done in the past two weeks, he didn't need to make it worse.

* * *

That Monday, Lukas had his folklore class. He sat in his normal chair, putting his stuff away beneath the table and taking out a notebook for notes. The class didn't start for a few minutes, so he took out his phone and checked everything, seeing if Emil had put up new photos on Instagram.

"Um, hi, Lukas."

Natalya was looking down at him from her seat behind him when he turned. She gave a small wave and he awkwardly returned it. She leaned forward in her seat, crossing her arms so that the shirt she was wearing pushed her cleavage up. Although Lukas noticed it, it just made him feel more awkward and he almost turned back around, but he felt pretty bad about what had happened to her on Friday with Mathias.

"So, is Mathias texting you? He keeps texting me, like," she rolled her eyes. "He won't stop."

Lukas stared at her, dumbfounded. He didn't think Mathias would be talking to her anymore after all he'd said at the party. Her phone suddenly buzzed and she gave him a smile before texting with a frustrating sigh. "I'm in class. He's so crazy, ugh."

For some reason, Lukas felt like he wanted to hit something or yell at someone. He gave a quiet, "Oh," only out of politeness, and turned to the front of the class.

For the time he had left, he could hear her talking to her friends about Mathias. By the end of it, he felt like either crying or making someone cry.

* * *

Mathias didn't talk to Lukas again until Sunday, giving him a week to cool down if he was still angry. Once that week was up, he decided to text him again and arrange some sort of meeting.

 **MathiAss**

 _Can I see you?_

 **Lukas**

 _When?_

 **MathiAss**

 _Now? If that's ok_

 **Lukas**

 _Okay, I guess. Are you coming over?_

 **MathiAss**

 _We should go out for a walk bc nice weather_

 **Lukas**

 _Do you have a car?_

 **MathiAss**

 _Yeah I'll come over in a few_

 **Lukas**

 _Okay._

Mathias fixed his hair, drank a beer, and grabbed his car keys. He was beyond thrilled to be able to talk to Lukas in person and to at least try to read his expression. He didn't talk a lot and it could be hard to tell where he stood on things. In fact, a lot of things were hard with him. He was complicated.

But that was absolutely fine. Mathias walked over to his car, getting in and starting it up. As he drove over to pick up Lukas, he was thinking about their relationship. It wasn't necessarily his plan to pursue him. In fact, he had no illusion about Lukas' sexuality. He had said he was asexual and he didn't want to interfere with that.

Although somewhere inside of him, there was something constantly grinding on his nerves. It was some sort of entitlement. The idea of being so intimate with Lukas before and having that taken without a say.

 _Obsessive_ was a word that came to mind. Mathias tried to push that thought away. It wasn't as though he was constantly thinking about Lukas. But he also couldn't ignore that he was always there, like a base to build his decisions on. Like religion.

The same word echoed through his mind and he wished he had drank two beers and not just one. Lukas couldn't be that important after a month. That was just insane. It was strange and obscure and silly. This was some kind of infatuation that he developed God knows when. It would die out and he would be back to another girl like Natalya to cure both loneliness and lust.

So why pursue him, anyway? Why apologize? Why seek him out? If he was just going to drop him like he had Natalya, it was useless. He'd end up hurting him and he'd be the biggest asshole on the planet for hurting someone like Lukas.

His mind told him to pull out of the situation, but his heart told him to see the possibilities in building on his previous relationship with Lukas. Maybe he was driven by lust. It wouldn't have been the first time. But he didn't lay in bed at night and imagine touching Lukas.

Well, that was a lie. He did. But he didn't make a point to! Actually, he did. But he didn't only think about that. He thought about what he could do to make him happy and places he'd like to take him to see around the city. Caring for him, ultimately, was his vision. Complimenting Lukas' life.

As he walked inside Lukas' building, he remembered something his mother had told him when he was a teenager.

 _"Men like to show off,- put up fronts – but they all want love. Even when they say stupid things, sweetie. And you'll say stupid things, I promise. But sometime when you're older, you'll see someone who you don't just want to kiss or touch. You know what I mean. You'll want to make them happy if it's the only thing you can ever do for them. Even your father feels that. He's an ass, but he's human."_

Mathias stared at Lukas' door.

The conversation had been over his father upon the realization that he wasn't ever going to remarry. He asked his mother about it and they somehow ended up discussing love in general.

 _"If he wants love, if he's human and all that, which I know he is. I'm not saying he's not. But why isn't he trying to get with anybody?"_

He could still see his mother's smile and hear her humorless laugh.

 _"People don't always pursue what they want. I think some people just enjoy being miserable. Let me tell you something, Mathias. If you want something and you can get it, within reason of course. Don't go around stealing new phones and idiotic things like that. But if you can, take it. Pursue what you want or you'll spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't, like your father."_

He knocked on the door. Within seconds, Lukas was in front of him and staring at the ugly pattern on the carpet. "Lukas, it's good seeing you. Come on, let's go," he said, going over to the elevator and clicking the button. "I'm sorry about what happened. I'm a big idiot. I wasn't myself the other night and-"

"It's okay."

Mathias pursed his lips, taking a step closer to him on the elevator. "I just don't want you to feel weird about this. I mean, I know you're ace. I would never take advantage of that. Besides, I'm not trying to be your friend with any hidden motives. I think you're great."

Lukas looked over at him, awkwardly touching his shoulder. Mathias glanced down at the hand, surprised at the other for even being willing to touch him at all.

"It's okay. Really. I forgive you."

There was silence between them as the elevator doors opened and they stepped off into the lobby. After a moment, Lukas said, "You think I'm great?"

Mathias grinned, unlocking the car and saying, "Better than great!"

The other got into the car, buckling up and looking over at Mathias, who he was surprisingly glad to see. He thought he'd be more nervous about going out with him, especially after the kiss, but Lukas felt fine in the car and he leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes.

"Uh, I'm gonna swing by somewhere to get something to drink. Not a drink drink, but it's warm outside. I'll buy you something."

Lukas glanced over, taking out his own wallet and counting a few dollars. "No. I got it."

"Lukas, please."

"Mathias, please."

They both looked at each other. Mathias looked away to watch the road and shook his head. "It's not happening. I can't. It'll hurt my pride to make you pay."

"It'll hurt my pride to let you pay," he replied. Mathias turned down the music and mumbled something under his breath, although he was grinning the entire time.

They listened to the music for a few minutes, then Mathias pulled over and parked the car. He looked over at Lukas. "What do you want?"

He unbuckled and looked at the menu. "I want a cherry Dr. Pepper. Just a medium."

Mathias nodded, pushed the button, and said, "Could I get a cherry Dr. Pepper and, uh… a large tea, half cut. Oh, and make the other a medium."

"Separate the orders."

Mathias turned and just smiled at him.

"Mathias, separate them."

He shook his head and started to roll up the window, but Lukas climbed out of his seat and reached over Mathias' lap, pushing away the others hand and rolling the window down. He tried to reach the button, but he was still too far away and Mathias was pulling him back into the car. "Jesus! You're about to fall out, Lukas," he managed through laughter.

Lukas sat back down in his seat with a huff and put away his wallet. "I told you I was paying for myself."

"And I told you it hurt my pride."

Lukas reached over and punched his arm, although he remained unaffected and was still smiling like an idiot. After sulking for a moment, he said, "Thanks, Mathias."

"Don't mention it. It's the least I could do."

When they got their drinks and paid, Mathias began driving again and was looking up an address on his phone.

"Where are we going?"

"We're just going to enjoy the weather, you know? I promise it'll be good."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: **"I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire" _~The Ink Spots_**

* * *

I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim

I just want to be the one you love

And with your admission that you feel the same

I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of believe me

* * *

The weather was especially nice today, which meant that the park was busy with people walking dogs and parents watching their children as they swarmed the playground equipment. Lukas found the park refreshing. It was good to be around people who weren't constantly on about finishing a homework assignment or a terrible hangover.

It was almost like he didn't have to worry about school as much as long as he was in the park with Mathias, who was sliding a pair of sunglasses on and walking along a path. Lukas followed, seeing what the park had to offer.

"So how are you, Lukas? Do you like it here yet?"

Lukas looked over, shrugging like he did when he didn't want to answer a question honestly. "It's fine."

"Just fine?"

"Just fine."

Mathias didn't accept the answer. He was relentless. "How are your classes going?"

Classes. Lukas thought back to Natalya in folklore class and what she'd said. He'd almost forgotten about it until Mathias brought up class. "Good. How's Natalya?"

He normally wouldn't have pried like that, but something compelled him otherwise. Mathias stared at the ground and sighed heavily, then said, "Uh, I honestly don't know. I haven't talked to her since the party. I mean, I hope she's okay."

"You haven't talked to her?"

"No. Why are you saying it like that? You think I should or something?

Lukas slowly shook his head. Natalya had said that they'd been talking, so somebody was lying. But why would either of them lie? What would be the point?

For Natalya, it could have been to save face. But she was acting strange that day. She sounded unusually sweet, almost to the point where Lukas didn't want to hear her anymore. And she was unusually vocal about Mathias texting her. But on the other hand, she was always vocal.

For Mathias, he must have wanted to appear single. He thought back to the kiss and what it could have possibly meant. If he _did_ want to pursue Lukas, it would be best to appear completely open. Not in a relationship, not talking to someone, nothing.

As much as Lukas hated to admit it, Mathias seemed like the one who was lying. He had more reason to lie and evidence stacked up against him. Lukas had the creeping suspicion that Mathias had cheated on Natalya with one of her friends. He supposed he needed a lot more evidence before thinking something so harsh, but it was a lingering thought.

If he did get back together with Natalya, would he still try to pursue someone else?

"Lukas, you okay?"

Mathias' voice took him out of his thoughts and he looked over at him again with a flustered look. "Yeah. Between… bros," Lukas cringed at using the word "bro". "Uh, did you ever…"

It was obvious how nervous Lukas was, but Mathias didn't know why. He smiled at the word "bro", though. It didn't sound natural at all. Just awkward.

"What is it? Bro."

"Shut up. I was wondering if you ever… cheated on her. Just, how she was acting."

It took a lot out of Lukas to ask that. He knew it could be offensive to even insinuate that Mathias cheated, but his curiosity on the subject was overwhelming. Mathias, as always, seemed comfortable.

"Wow. I actually didn't. One of her friends tried to hook up with me and it was the weirdest fucking thing. She kept putting her hand on my leg and she was just a ditz and I couldn't take it. She did the fake laugh. You know the fake laugh? Where girls laugh but it doesn't reach their eyes and they look like they're going to rip your dick off for some reason and carry it around like a trophy?"

Lukas stared at him, slowly nodding despite not knowing that experience. He was just glad that Mathias was saying that he hadn't cheated.

"Listen, Lukas. I know she's in one of your classes and I don't know what she says about me, but it's probably bad. I broke up with her at the end of the summer and she flipped. Just went crazy. She texted me all day and night and kept calling and finally she confronted me. Shit, it was bad. I got back together with her because I felt so bad, but…" He shook his head with a forced smile. "Immediately remembered why I left her. I was planning on leaving her for good in December, but time has other plans, you know?"

Lukas was silent for a moment. He just watched Mathias. He looked good today. His hair looked nice in the sun, almost golden. He couldn't see his eyes because of the sunglasses, but he just seemed to glow all over. His arms looked especially good. Why was he admiring him like this, anyway?

 _His arms. Look at his arms._

"Lukas, you okay? You're spacing out."

They were strong, tanned from the long, sunny days he'd spent practicing, and he had visible veins working up and down his forearms. Similar, but so much different from himself. While Lukas' veins were flat and blue through his skin, Mathias' were raised and the colour could only be seen on the underside of his wrist near his palm.

Overall, it was visually pleasing.

"Lukas?"

"Huh?"

He hadn't realized that they'd stopped walking or that he himself was actually sweating, almost panting from the heat and how little exercise he got.

"You okay? You're pink. You were walking a little fast for a second there. Heat getting to you?"

He slowly shook his head with a polite little smile that vanished almost as soon as it appeared. With the back of his hand, he wiped the sweat from his forehead. "I was lost in my thoughts."

"What were you thinking about?"

His stomach churned like it had when he'd been kissed. _Just thinking about you,_ he thought. There was no way he'd tell him that.

"I'm lying. The heat is getting to me."

"Really? Shit, I'm sorry if you get sunburnt. I forgot about how pale you are. Not that it's a bad thing. It's actually nice. Let's see. Which way did we come in?"

Lukas didn't try to answer. He knew the park less than Mathias did.

"Right. Over here," he said, taking Lukas' hand and pulling him in the other direction.

 _He's holding my hand,_ Lukas thought. Mathias' palm was warm. It was a little sweaty, but it wasn't unpleasant. It felt nice holding someone's hand. Surprisingly nice.

"Oh, sorry," Mathias said with a laugh as he pulled his hand away. Lukas curled his hand into a fist, feeling the air much cooler on his palm without the presence of the others hand.

"It's fine."

They got to the car. Mathias turned on the air conditioning as soon as he got in. Lukas shut his eyes, leaning back in his seat with a hand over his eyes. They burned. He wasn't sure if it was possible to get a sunburn on your eyes, but if it was, he definitely did.

"Can I drive or do you want to just sit for a while?"

"We can sit for a while."

* * *

The two ended up talking in the car for an hour. They talked about school over the years, things they missed about their homes, funny stories they'd been dying to tell for years, weird coincidences, and Mathias told stupid jokes that made Lukas ashamed to actually laugh at them.

Lukas was completely relaxed by the time Mathias decided it would be best to drive back to campus. "I need to get some practice in for orchestra," he said. Lukas nodded understandingly when they rolled up to his building. He turned to Mathias, unbuckling with a tiny smirk. "Bye. This was nice," he said. He began walking towards the door, but he heard the horn behind him and flinched.

"What do you want?" He asked, trying not to smile when he heard Mathias laughing at him.

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you—" He paused, looking right at Lukas' eyes. "Wanted to tell you that it was good."

Lukas ran a hand though his hair, his smile fading. "What was good?"

"The kiss. I would've never made fun of you for a kiss like that."

As if Lukas' cheeks weren't red enough already from the sun, his entire face lit up like a stop light and he marched into the building, trying to keep his growing smile hidden as he heard Mathias laughing behind him.

* * *

Mathias set his bag on the ground and sat on the bed, exhausted from class. He considered a nap, but he had too much homework to do first. The minute he reached for his bag again, his phone vibrated and he answered with, "Hello?"

 _"Hello, sweetie. Sorry I haven't called. Work has been so busy!"_

"Mom, I have to tell you s—"

 _"Oh, hold on. Bodil wants to talk to you."_

Mathias rubbed his eyes and waited patiently until he heard the familiar, high-pitched voice.

 _"Hi, Mathias! Did you get the bracelet?"_

He had. It was sitting on his desk, tag still on. It had a dangling, silver-coloured violin and blue glass beads. Since he'd gotten it, he hadn't touched it but to take it out of the envelope.

"Yeah! I got it, Bodey Bo."

 _"Are you wearing it?"_

"…of course, Bodey! Of course…" He looked over at it again and rubbed the back of his neck. Luckily, she didn't catch on and continued talking about her day.

 _"…and then I went really high and jumped out and I scraped my knee really bad and…"_

Mathias took out a folder, removing a list of papers due and starting up his laptop so he could at least get half of the paper written before he slept. Bodil continued talking. Occasionally he would say "Oh, yeah?" And "Wow" and things like that. She always sounded overjoyed. She could probably talk for hours and never get sick of it.

"Hey, listen, Bodey. I love you and I miss you so, so, so, so, SO much, but I need to talk to mom. Could you give the phone to her?"

 _"I love you, too! Um, mom?"_

Mathias typed out a sloppy thesis and put his phone on speaker. "Mom?"

 _"I'm here, I'm here. Is there something in particular you wanted to talk about?"_

"Yeah. You remember Lukas?"

 _"…Lukas from when you were, what, eleven? That boy you liked?"_

"Yeah. Him."

 _"Did you find him on the facebook or something?"_

Mathias stared at the phone, then continued typing as he spoke. "No, mom. Not exactly. And stop calling it "the facebook". It's just facebook."

 _"What about Lukas?"_

"Well, he goes here."

 _"He goes to Wake Forest?"_

As he spoke, he poured himself some liquor from under his bed and sipped it silently. "Yeah, he does. He transferred over here."

There was a long pause before she said, _"Don't you think that's a little weird?"_

"What? No. We didn't know about each other. There is no way he knew I was here. I don't have my school listed on facebook and I don't get on there to post anything and I don't post it really anywhere else. Pictures, I guess, on Instagram and occasionally twitter. Besides, he didn't seek me out. Honestly, I care about being his friend more than he cares about being mine."

 _"I guess it's just a weird coincidence, then. How's Natalya?"_

"I broke up with her again. I'm not getting back with her," he replied, taking a long drink from his glass and setting it down. "Let's change the subject."

 _"So you're trying to be friends with Lukas?"_

"Definitely. He's such a nice guy, mom. He looks similar, but he's a man and not a child. He turned out well. Attractive, I mean."

 _"…attractive? Mathias…"_

"What?" He put the bottle back under his bed, then sat at his desk again. "I'm just saying he's not bad looking."

 _"Are you really trying to pick up where you left off?"_

He took a deep breath, shook his head, and took the phone off speaker. "I don't know yet. He said he was asexual. I don't know if I believe that, though. You should have seen the way he looked at me."

 _"How has he been?"_

"Honestly? I don't think he's been good. I'm pretty sure he has anxiety of some sort. He's shy. Kind of quiet. A lot like how he was, but maybe… worse? I hate saying that. He doesn't have that confidence that kids just have naturally since he's grown. I think he needs to be more social and a lot of what's wrong would go away. I hope."

 _"I don't want to rule out medical science, sweetie, but I agree. Try to get him out there with friends and fun and whatever the Americans are doing for thrills. If he's still uncomfortable after that, then you should tell me and I'll ask Nick about it."_

"Great. Nick."

 _"He knows what he's doing, Mathias!"_

"Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll keep you updated on him."

 _"Sweetie?"_

He fiddled with a pencil, pushing the sharp tip against his finger with a small frown. "What?"

 _"What you decide to do. With Lukas, I mean. I support you."_

"…that means a lot. Thanks. I'll keep it in mind."

 _"Good. I should let you go. You need to call your father. I know you haven't since school started. I love you, sweetie. Goodnight."_

"'Night, mom."

He put the phone down on the desk, reclining in the chair and reluctantly shutting his laptop. He would just have to work on it later. There were too many things to think about now. His father being one of them. He hadn't wanted to call him, but his mother insisted that he keep in touch.

Mathias called him, but he was hoping that he was at work and wouldn't answer.

Today wasn't his lucky day.

 _"Yeah?"_

Mathias cleared his throat. He wanted nothing more than to chuck his phone out the window now. "Hey, dad. Sorry I haven't called."

 _"Huh. How's football?"_

"Good! We're doing well. We've only lost one match. Tied another."

 _"How are you doing?"_

"I'm fine. Just trying to juggle school work with soccer and or—"

 _"With football."_

Mathias' face fell and he actually smiled bitterly. He couldn't believe he fell for that.

"I'm doing well. I've got scouts coming out to see me already. Coach says I should try for the United States team."

 _"Try for Denmark."_

Mathias gave a shrug. He didn't care about making it pro, although he could if he needed to. It would just be like a job. A job that paid a lot. With fans.

If he thought about it too much, it sounded too appealing. It made him want to give in to the sport entirely, but it wasn't quite what he wanted. He wasn't sure what he wanted. The good thing about soccer was that it was always there. If he ended up playing, then he did and there was no problem. Money is money. Well, millions are millions.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm not too picky, dad."

 _"You still doing the music?"_

"Of course. Got a performance coming up soon."

 _"Hm. Wish I could see one of your matches."_

Mathias knew he'd say that. He said it every time they talked as if it would comfort him somehow. "Yeah. I'm excited to play Notre Dame next month."

 _"Is it on television?"_

"Yeah, it is. So is the match against North Carolina State. That's coming up."

 _"I'll catch it. I need to go. I'm working on a case."_

Mathias almost sighed in relief, saying, "Right. Goodnight, dad."

 _"You, too."_

Mathias put the phone down, glad he wasn't in the mood to really talk. Then again, he never was. He looked at his desk, organizing his work a little before his eyes spotted the bracelet his sister had gotten him. He picked it up, rolling the beads between his fingers. He felt guilty for lying to her about wearing it. He hesitantly slid it onto his wrist, examining it.

He took a picture of his wrist with a thumbs up, then sent it to his mom. At least then she could show Bodil and he wouldn't feel as bad about it.

* * *

Lukas wasn't sure what was going on. He hadn't felt this way in years and he was starting to scare himself. He kept thinking about the time he'd been spending with Mathias and he would try to push his stupid smile out of his head, but it stuck like glue.

He couldn't say he was disappointed, either. Every time he thought about him, his face lit up and he felt light, like he'd just heard the best news of his life. When he laid down to sleep, he couldn't help but to daydream, and it was usually about Mathias.

There was nothing too out of the ordinary in his daydreams. His favorite thing to do was to put in headphones, play his favorite songs, and imagine himself and Mathias dancing to them.

His imagination was harmless. There was nothing wrong with listening to Thompson Twins and envisioning himself in 80's movies where Mathias would kiss him in some rotting school auditorium that probably smelled like rubber wrestling mats.

He skipped to the next song, forgetting he had put it on his phone at all. All throughout high school, Lukas played his violin for the school musicals, and one year they had done one called No, No, Nanette, and he had added Tea for Two onto his playlist.

It was such a cheesy song. He could imagine Mathias in thick makeup prancing around a stage with his stupid grin and singing to him. It actually made him smile for what little time he kept the song on for.

When the next song came on, he closed his eyes, focusing on a new dream. The song was romantic, and all he could imagine was Mathias holding him. He'd give him a kiss. Just a gentle one. The next would be more passionate.

His eyebrows twitched as the daydream progressed. When it got heated, his eyes snapped open and he shifted uncomfortably. He would have taken a cold shower, but Matthew was in there because he could hear it running.

Hesitantly, he moved a hand down. His face was twisted into one that resembled shame.

 _There's no one here._

He shouldn't have been ashamed. Everyone else touched themselves, why was it a problem if he did it, too? It had just been so long. He couldn't remember the last time. He remembered the first time he did. He was ten. He'd done it a few times, actually, although he was extremely secretive about it.

He'd stopped around sixth grade. It lacked its original luster. But now, it was seeming like a pretty good idea, all things considered.

He looked over on his nightstand, looking for something to slick his hand with. When there was nothing, he got up and began digging around. It would have been easiest to get the lotion out of the bathroom, but Matthew was still in there.

With an exaggerated sigh, he double-checked the lock on the door and laid back down in bed, figuring it wouldn't matter if he just moved his hand right.

Lukas shut his eyes, spread his legs, and slid a hand down into his boxers. His lips pursed, still feeling that hint of shame at what he was doing, especially when he started moving his hand. After a few seconds, his face relaxed and he tried to imagine something else. Mathias touching him instead.

He'd definitely gotten a good look at his hand the other day at the park. He could practically see his fingers trailing down his stomach and up his thighs. He mimicked the actions he saw, wishing his hand felt more like Mathias' did. Warm and strong.

 _Yes, touch me._

 _"Lukas, I've always loved you. I've been hoping this entire time that I could see you again, just so I could touch you like this."_

Lukas tried to steady his breathing as he imagined what Mathias would say to him. If he dreamed hard enough, he could see the light in those bright blue eyes as they bore into his own. It made the experience all the realer, and because he hadn't touched himself in so long, he soon released with a gasp, his head dropping with the arching of his back.

His breath slowed, and when it did, he opened his eyes again, looking around the dark room with a blank expression. Lukas looked at both of his hands.

 _What have I done?!_

He hadn't felt so grimy in a while. At that moment, he told himself he wouldn't do it again. The next day, he did it again.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: **"I Walk The Line" _~Johnny Cash_**

* * *

 _I find it very, very easy to be true_

 _I find myself alone when each day's through_

 _Yes I'll admit, that I'm a fool for you_

 _Because you're mine_

 _I walk the line_

* * *

Mathias texted Lukas, but they didn't see each other again until after his match in Massachusetts. There was another party coming up and Mathias tried to invite Lukas again. When he said yes, he was thrilled. After the last party, he was sure he'd say no.

It made him think that Lukas was getting better and that made him happier than he'd felt in a while. When he saw Lukas walk in sometime after the sun had gone down, he had a stupid grin on his face and walked over to greet him. He already had a buzz, but he was being especially careful this time around. No mistakes were going to be made.

Lukas looked good, though. Mathias couldn't help but notice how well his jeans fit. The word "snug" came to mind. He never expected Lukas to wear jeans like that, but he definitely wasn't complaining.

"You look good," he said quietly, making sure that nobody else could hear. Lukas practically beamed on the inside, but on the outside, he only said, "Thanks, Mathias. You, too."

 _You always look good,_ Lukas thought to himself. He had gotten ready for the party. He had to spend time on his hair and outfit to look good. But not Mathias. He was naturally radiant and Lukas wished he could have been blessed like that.

On the other hand, Mathias admired no one at that party more than Lukas. He put everyone to shame with how handsome he was. He was always attractive, too, but now everyone else could see it. The realization hit him and he glanced around, suddenly feeling protective.

"Come on, Lukas. You want a drink yet?"

Lukas smirked slightly and shook his head. "Still don't drink." He wanted to be sober when he was around Mathias, anyway. It seemed like an awful waste to get drunk at a time like this. He didn't want to be the tacky "I get high off of life" guy, but he was enjoying himself with Mathias already.

Mathias shrugged and sipped at his third beer, although he decided he'd make it his last one if Lukas wasn't going to drink. "I respect that. I won't drink anymore after this one."

"Really?"

"Yeah! Maybe I shouldn't pass out after this party, you know?" He smirked. "I don't want to miss out on anything."

Lukas leaned against the wall and watched his smirk with a raised eyebrow. "Where's Alfred?"

"Alfred? Uh, he's somewhere around here. He's not always hanging around, if that's what you're getting at."

Lukas' eyes traveled down Mathias' arm, noticing something on his wrist. He grabbed his hand, pulled it up to his face, and stared at the bracelet he was wearing.

"Shit. I forgot to take that off."

"Is that a violin?"

Mathias pulled his wrist back with a chuckle, examining the charm. "Sure looks like it. Bodil gave it to me. I felt guilty about keeping it on my desk all day and decided to wear it. I meant to take it off, though."

"I like it."

"Really? Why?"

Lukas gave a little shrug and moved to sit on the sofa, as did Mathias.

"I think it shows how much you love your sister."

Mathias grinned at that. All he'd ever wanted was a sibling, so hearing Lukas say that he was doing a good job as a big brother was pleasing. "Thanks, Lukas. Sometimes I feel bad about leaving her for school. But she seems really happy."

"I felt the same way about Emil," he admitted. "But he's doing well and he's just a phone call away."

"That's a really good way to think about it."

Lukas leaned towards him a little, getting closer than he'd intended. "When do you get to go back home?"

Although Mathias noticed how close the other got, he remained where he was, secretly ecstatic that Lukas was close. "December. I go home for Christmas."

"Me, too. I don't think I'll go back for Thanksgiving, though. I don't have a way up there and it isn't worth it for five days, I think. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving."

"Me neither," he said with a small laugh. "I mean, why would I? I usually go volunteer at the Salvation Army since they do a free dinner. Besides, I have to have volunteer hours. It's really fun, though! It doesn't sound fun." Lukas was laughing quietly and Mathias laughed, too. "It is! You should volunteer. The people are always really nice and they like to ask where I'm from. I love it."

"I'm surprised."

"Surprised at what?"

"That you volunteer and enjoy it."

Mathias set the beer bottle on the coffee table and shook his head with a slightly forced laugh. "Well, a lot of people volunteer more often than I do. I'm not the eighth world wonder because of how I look or my status or whatever it is that surprised you about it. There are some good people out there."

Lukas' eyebrows furrowed in confusion. After a moment, he understood what Mathias was saying and he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. "Mathias, you're always busy and you party a lot and you're in a fraternity."

"So?"

He'd just made it worse. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm really sorry, that was stupid of me."

"No, you're fine! You're great, actually. I see what you're gettin' at. You just have to look past things like that! Most people don't. You can do it, though. I bet you already do. Someone as nice as you?"

"But I just said—"

Mathias rubbed the others back and gave it a few soft pats, trying to reassure him that there was no offense taken. He knew how other people saw him, and he was relieved to find an easy way to tell Lukas otherwise. That he wasn't absolutely horrible and didn't put roofies in drinks and didn't beg freshmen for nudes.

"It's okay. Now you know. It's not like you haven't taught me anything, either. I judge people all the time. I love to be proved wrong. For instance, I thought you were awkward at first. But you aren't. You're actually the easiest person to be around. But I didn't know until you showed me."

Lukas slowly smiled. If he wasn't in public he would have forced himself into Mathias' arms and embraced him, but all of Mathias' friends were around and he knew it wouldn't happen. "How do you do it, Mathias?" He suddenly asked.

"Do what?"

"You're smart. And funny. And nice. And you care. And talented. I don't know anyone who's as good at soccer and cello as you are."

"What?" Mathias was practically bent over laughing at what he was hearing. He couldn't see half of those traits in himself. "Wow. Thank you, I guess. Although I hope you know the same applies to you. I mean, not the soccer and cello. But you're excellent at violin. And I've seen your grades. You texted me them, remember? They were ten times better than mine. You're some kind of genius, Lukas. Besides," He leaned in closely, talking quietly again, "You look just as good on the outside as you are on the inside. That's really something."

For some reason, Lukas thought he might cry. He scooted his hand closer to Mathias', just brushing the side of his palm against the others hand, too afraid to do more in public. Mathias' eyes moved down to watch him.

His heart nearly stopped. It wasn't a kiss or something above, but what the touch represented meant more to him than anything.

They were both smiling, and Mathias would have loved to lean in and kiss Lukas just like he had the other night, but he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Alfred.

"Hey, bro. Hey, Lukas. You both having a good time?"

Lukas and Mathias both nodded. Alfred handed Mathias a beer, and although he had said he wasn't going to drink again, he mindlessly opened it and took a long drink. Lukas just watched him, his face dropping.

It was disappointing to see Mathias drink again. He didn't even notice that it made him unhappy. Now he was busy talking to Alfred about sports. He held his face in his hands, wishing Alfred would go find someone else to bother soon.

After five minutes, Lukas stood up and started walking towards the door. That's what finally caught Mathias' attention. "'Scuse me, Alfred. Lukas!" He walked over to him, shutting the door slowly before he could walk out. "What's up?"

"I'm tired."

"I didn't mean to talk that long."

Lukas nodded at the beer and started to leave again. Mathias set the can down and followed him outside, grabbing onto his wrist. "Wait a second! Jesus."

"You know how hard it is for me to go to parties."

"I know, I know. Just come back in and I'll keep my attention on you. But you can't be so jealous or whatever the hell it is you are right now."

Jealous? Was he actually jealous? He was never jealous. "It's not good to be jealous," he said quietly. "I'm sorry, I just acted without thinking."

"You'll go back in?"

He nodded and they went back in, sitting back down on the sofa and starting a conversation about the things Mathias had seen at parties. They talked for a while until Mathias felt another hand on his shoulder. This time, it was Alfred and Jett, who both looked panicked.

"Dude, she's here," Jett said. Mathias didn't need any further explanation. He knew they were talking about Natalya. He scrambled to get up, grabbing Lukas' shoulder and putting him ahead.

"You're acting like it's a war zone," he muttered quietly to Mathias. But Mathias knew better. He knew what she was capable of. He pulled Lukas over to the stairs, forcing him to wait at the bottom, just in case he needed to run up quickly.

"You just wait there."

Alfred was rubbing his head. "Mathias, you sure you want to confront her now?"

"This isn't a confrontation," he snapped, going back into the living room. "But I know she'll ruin the whole party if I don't come out. Trust me, I'd love to just wait in my room."

Natalya was looking around the living room, asking people if they'd seen Mathias. Some of them answered, but most just shrugged, even if they knew where Mathias was. At this point, he watched from the kitchen. "Back me," he said to Alfred and Jett. He walked out casually, like he didn't know she was there. When she spotted him, she walked over, a panicked look on her face.

"Did you get my texts?" She asked, putting her hands on his chest. He gripped her wrists, prying her off. "Yes, I got them. Please stop texting me or I'll block you."

"What? Why the hell would you do that to me?"

"Because you keep texting me."

She laughed bitterly, putting her hands on his chest again. "You aren't leaving me. You said it was just a break."

"When did I say that?"

Her smile faded and her face turned bright red. She was a combination of embarrassed and angry. "You asshole! I can't believe I ever saw anything in you! And you both are just as bad as he is!" She said, gesturing to Alfred and Jett. "And that Lukas guy, too. Can't believe you're even going to rope him into your bullshit! He's nice, he's not like you. He deserves a better friend."

"Shut up," he spat, shoving her hands off his chest again. "You don't know either of them, and you definitely don't know Lukas, so enough. You know, I thought it would be okay to let you into parties here, but apparently I was wrong because you can't stop being a bitch for long enough to have a good time."

While Mathias was yelling, Lukas was watching. Both of them were getting red in the face.

"I'm not a bitch! You're a fucking asshole! You made me this way! Look what you did to me you stupid piece of shit!" She was crying now and Mathias was just rubbing his head. Alfred was laughing while Jett was texting someone, most likely about this argument.

"No, look what you did to _me_! You ruined every day I had to spend with you! And you come over here and call me a piece of shit?" He chuckled, but it was all too sarcastic and Lukas didn't like the way it sounded. "Go fuck yourself. Don't come around here again or I swear…"

"What? What the fuck could you do?"

"Call the cops, that's what I'll do."

She laughed again, though she backed away from Mathias. "Of course. Can't solve it like a man, can you?"

He gave a grin and shook his head. "Guess not. Get the fuck out of the house."

Natalya stayed where she was at, just glaring at Mathias. Jett and Alfred were more attentive now. There was an uncomfortable silence and half of the people at the party were watching. Natalya lunged at him, slamming a fist across his face. Lukas' eyes widened, but he wasn't as shocked as he was when Mathias just stared back at her for a few silent seconds before slapping her across the face.

He didn't know how hard it was, but it was hard enough that she recoiled and backed up into the door. She was crying harder now, although it was from the emotional pain more than the physical pain. "You fucking psycho! I fucking hate you!" She swung the door open, stepping out onto the porch and turning with a sour look. "If you don't think I'm pressing charges, you're mistaken."

Mathias' eyes widened, but she was already gone. He stepped onto the porch, yelling more harshly than even Alfred and Jett had even heard, saying, "I wish you would, you stupid bitch! Come back over here and I'll do it again! Go find some other guy to completely fuck up!." He slammed the door shut, looking at everyone who had been staring with a blank expression.

They turned away, but Alfred, Jett, and Lukas looked on. He slowly made his way upstairs. When Alfred and Jett tried to follow, he shook his head, rejecting them. They went back to the party reluctantly, trying to brighten the mood.

Mathias glanced down at Lukas, gesturing for only him to follow. But he stood still.

Truth be told, he was afraid. Not in his wildest dreams could he imagine Mathias saying what he said or doing what he did. When Mathias hit her, he himself wanted to run. Lukas had flinched. He was afraid that he would mess up however Natalya had and he'd end up being treated like she was treated. It made his heart ache to think about.

"Lukas?"

He glanced at Mathias again, then at the front door. "Mathias, I should go."

"What? Come on. I'm sorry she had to ruin the—"

"It's not just her."

Mathias walked down to the bottom step, looking Lukas over. "It's my fault?"

"You're both to blame."

"Lukas, I didn't mean—"

"But you did."

Mathias started to touch Lukas' shoulder, but the other flinched, looked at the ground, and moved away from his hand. Mathias could have been angry about it, but he was sad. That's all he could feel. He also felt regret and guilt. Seeing Lukas' reaction really sank in the previous events. He wasn't worried about an assault charge. He was sure it wouldn't go through, anyway, due to this being his home. But he was worried about Natalya and how bad he'd fucked her over.

He was especially worried about Lukas. Who could stand to be around him after that? He didn't blame Lukas for wanting to leave. If he saw someone slap their ex-girlfriend, he'd be just as disgusted with them.

"You're right. I'm sorry you had to see all of that. Jus' sleep well, alright?"

Lukas turned and left without saying another word.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: **"Your Song" _~Elton John_**

* * *

 _I hope you don't mind_

 _That I put down in words_

 _How wonderful life is while you're in the w_ orld

* * *

Mathias practiced his cello every single day that week. He had a concert on Tuesday where he had to perform a solo. He was tired, but he had been selected specifically to perform and when he was playing, it was always a pleasure. It didn't feel anything like work. There was no exasperated sighs because he had to go to orchestra.

The only reason he was so tired was because Lukas hadn't said a word to him since the party. He almost wanted to go to his dorm, but he didn't want to seem as crazy as Natalya, so he suffered in silence.

He didn't have to think about that when he was playing, though. He was able to be enthralled by his music. When he was playing, he was untouchable. Any sickness he had went away, any pain, any thought that could possibly hurt him.

When it was his turn to perform, he played slowly, watching the music with disinterest. He'd practiced it enough to play through it with his eyes closed. He was trying to focus on what moved. What should drag and what she speed, what was allegro and what was andante, what needed to be pronounced and what needed to be muffled like a whisper. The waves should push and pull, almost physically.

The key to the movement was passion. He'd watched a cooking show once on TV when he'd first moved to America and tried to watch American television. The man hosting had been very happy to cook. There wasn't often when he frowned while he was in front of whatever he was preparing. At the end of the episode, he said, "With cooking and with anything you do in life, you must have passion. If you don't have passion, your food is going to be terrible."

To this day he took that to heart. He didn't care for cooking, of course, but he believed it to be true with his music. If he didn't have passion for what he was playing, the audience would know and they would hear it. That was his motivation. He wanted the audience to feel the passion put into his music and be moved by it.

As he was sliding his fingers down the instrument, pulling and pressing down onto the strings, he couldn't help but smile faintly. There was only a page left of music and he was doing well. By the time he hit the last note, he smiled and sighed happily, standing to give a little bow, then moving backstage to put his instrument away.

There was only one performance after his own, and by the time he had packed away his cello, the concert was over. He made his way towards the exit, accepting compliments and praises from those he passed with a cheerful grin that was more forced than anything and a "thank you". When he got to the back, he saw Lukas standing there.

Without hesitation, he set his case down and pulled him into a hug. Lukas accepted it, soon hugging back with a blank look. "You did well."

"Yeah! Thanks! I'm so glad you're here, Lukas. You have no idea," he said, releasing his hold on the other. Lukas smiled a little, then said, "I understand from the hug."

"Right, right. Damn, I'm tired," he muttered, grabbing his case again and walking out. He gestured Lukas to follow and was pleased when he did. "How have you been? What made you decide to come see me?"

"I know you felt bad about what you did."

"You have no idea, Lukas," he said, shaking his head. "I went to apologize to Natalya and everything. She said she won't try to press charges, but she is still really adamant on having me. I just… I get so mad sometimes."

"Mathias, it's okay."

Lukas reached out, carrying Mathias' music folder for him and actually dropping everything inside once he had it in his hold. In his defense, he hadn't realized it was upside-down. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said quickly, starting to gather the papers and books all together. One of the books was older and written in a lot. There were marks everywhere.

He flipped over to the cover, reading the title slowly. "Sonata for Cello and Piano in A Minor. Edvard Grieg…" He trailed off, looking up at Mathias. "You still have this? I can't believe it."

"Yeah! I work on it on New Year's Eve every single year to check my progression. I give myself ten minutes. I mark in it throughout the year, though, as I learn."

Lukas put the book back into the folder, then walked alongside Mathias, reluctantly brushing his hand against the others. Mathias felt guilty, but he couldn't hold his hand. Someone could see and it would soil his reputation. He'd probably have to deal with the soccer team. Definitely everyone in the frat house. He could see them double-checking the locks on their doors and wearing their shirts all the time. He didn't need that now.

After a while, Lukas watched him out of the corner of his eye. He understood, but he was upset. They weren't children. Mathias knew better than to reject his hand. It was like rejecting him. It made him feel like he wasn't worthy or like he was some mistress, whatever the male version of that would be. "Mathias, are you ashamed?"

"What?" He laughed nervously. "Ashamed?"

"You don't treat me like you treat anyone else."

Mathias walked outside, avoiding Lukas' gaze. He figured that sooner or later, Lukas would catch on. "Well, you're not anyone else," he said quietly, taking his hand for a moment just to squeeze it and let go a moment later before anyone noticed. Lukas wished he would have held on longer. "Mathias, please don't treat me like this."

"Like what?"

"Like a terrible secret," he said under his breath. Mathias walked over to his car, unlocking it and putting his cello in the back.

"I didn't mean to treat you that way. You're not terrible at all, I just really can't deal with being judged by my friends."

Lukas crossed his arms and said, "They won't care. They'll still like you."

"I don't know. I don't have any proof that they would. Once the season is up and I'm less stressed, I'll find a way to make this better. I won't treat you like a secret. Do you need a ride back to your building?"

Lukas nodded, getting into the front seat. He stared forward, not looking over at Mathias despite hearing him get in. His eyes were focused ahead on a tree in the distance, waiting for him to start driving.

Without warning, Mathias reached over, grabbed Lukas' jaw, and kissed his cheek. Lukas immediately turned, staring at him. Before he could say a word, Mathias kissed him on the lips.

"I'm sorry, Lukas. Not for the kiss, but because you're right. A lot of the stuff I do is shitty and you still came to see me tonight and that means the world to me."

He finally started the car up and pulled out of the parking space. "I like you," Lukas said softly.

Mathias chuckled, glancing over at Lukas. "I hope so! That makes me feel pretty good."

"No, I mean I like you as you. You're not bad. You could improve, but so could everyone."

The other smiled at the weak compliment. He definitely wasn't wrong, if anything. It made him feel better for a moment. Same with the hand holding his. It was comforting to feel Lukas taking an interest in him, especially after such a short time.

They listened to the radio for the rest of the ride and were mostly quiet, save Mathias occasionally singing along. Before Lukas could step out of the car, Mathias kissed his hand, then his cheek, making a loud, over-dramatized kissing noise with each one.

"Your sarcasm is relentless," Lukas said with a smile as he shut the door. Mathias watched him walk in, admiring him before driving home for the night.

* * *

Flirting was the name of the game for Lukas and Mathias. Neither were doing anything serious for multiple reason. For Mathias, it was his fear of rejection if found out, his busy schedule, and his will to take it slow for once.

For Lukas, it was fear of being ultimately rejected. Of course he wanted to have the courage to lean in and give Mathias a fiery kiss, but it was like imagining himself on the moon. It wasn't impossible to visualize, but to actually do it was another thing. Luckily, Mathias was outgoing and obtained affection himself.

The two had been around each other more, although as the soccer season progressed, it was trickier. Sometimes they would only see each other for fifteen minutes.

Today, in particular, Lukas couldn't see Mathias at all. He'd liked to, though. Tomorrow was Mathias' birthday and he had a big match tomorrow that was going to be broadcast live. A few scouts were even coming to watch.

Lukas fed his rabbit, talking quietly. "You're getting old, Teeny Weeny," he muttered as he watched him eat. "You're an old man."

He turned around, laying on his bed. He took out his phone and called his mother, figuring he hadn't talked to her in a while.

 _"Hello?"_

"Mama?"

 _"Do I sound like mama?"_

Lukas smiled softly and sat up. "Hey, Emil. How's school? I haven't talked to you in so long."

 _"We text all the time."_

"But you don't text back."

 _"That's because we aren't friends,"_ he said with an evident huff. Lukas smirked, used to his behavior by now.

"Are you excited to see me for Christmas?"

 _"That's like, two months."_

"Are you excited?"

 _"….Sure. Yes. Maybe I am."_

"I'm excited, too. Is mama there?"

There was a pause, then a new, _"Hello?"_

"It's me. I'm sorry for not calling. I've been really busy."

 _"School work?"_

"Well, midterms. But I've been out."

His mother was probably smiling now. She was always trying to convince him to go out, although he rarely did back home. _"Good! Are you making plenty of friends?"_

"Sort of. I've been hanging out with Mathias."

 _"Oh, you have? What do you do? You're not out doing anything bad, are you? I want you to be safe, Lukas."_

Lukas gave a small laugh, then said, "I'm trying to avoid it all. Mathias is a lot different. He likes drinking and… things like that."

 _"…Is he safe? It's not excessive, is it?"_

Lukas almost said no, but thinking about it, he did drink a lot. More than anyone he'd ever personally known, at least. He wasn't positive how often he drank, though, but if anyone knew about it, it was Alfred. Lukas would have to consider asking about it.

"I think he's fine," he said quietly. His mother was silent for a moment and he hoped she wasn't upset.

 _"So he's your best friend there?"_

"Not exactly." He was going to tell his mother what was really happening between him and Mathias, but now he was getting nervous.

 _"What do you mean? Is everything okay, Lukas?"_

"Actually," he said with a deep breath. "It's very okay. Mathias and I… we, um…"

 _"….tell me all the details! This makes me so happy. You know how much I want grandchildren, Lukas."_

"Mama! Ugh," he rubbed his eyes, although he was trying not to smile. "I can't have kids with him, anyway."

 _"Adoption is a beautiful thing! I expect grandchildren. I don't care if they're black, white, red, green, or purple. You know how much I want one."_

"Stop before you jinx me."

 _"So there is something going on? Are you in a steady relationship or are you both on edge?"_

That was another thing Lukas had failed to think on. He just figured that it didn't matter. He was content as is. "More on edge. Talking."

 _"Send me a picture right now. You still haven't."_

Lukas put it on speaker phone, found a picture off of Mathias' Instagram, and sent it to her.

 _"Alright, let's see."_ There was silence, then a gasp. _"My goodness. He has really done well for himself! I want you to hold onto him. I'm saving this picture and showing your father. Should I tell him you have a boyfriend?"_

"Mama, please. Please don't. I'm not sure yet what's going on exactly."

 _"Okay, okay. When you know, tell me! I'm so excited. This is just like a romance story."_

"Oh my God," he mumbled. "Please. I have to go. I need to study for my test tomorrow. Mathias has a game tomorrow. He says it'll be on television. You and dad should look for it."

 _"I'll try to get him to sit through it,"_ she said with a short laugh. _"Bye, Lukas! Love you!"_

"Bye. I love you, too."

* * *

The next night, Lukas attended Mathias' match. He had wanted to see him before, but he was busy. Mathias had said something about the opponent being really good and that they needed to prepare more than they had in the past. Either way, Lukas was more excited to watch the match than he usually was.

The stadium was surprisingly full and there were cameramen filming in the bleachers. Lukas watched Mathias run around on the field, make a couple goals, and celebrate by throwing his fist up in the air. The other teammates near him were clasping his shoulder while the opponents were clearly growing more and more frustrated.

By the end of the game, even Lukas was cheering. He clasped his hands together excitedly with it was over and he ran down the steps to wait for Mathias at the bottom. Alfred ran up beside him, taking a video on his phone and hollering. "Lukas, what do you have to say about the game?" He yelled, pointing the phone in his direction.

"Oh!" He exclaimed, covering his face with a hand. "Well, I just wanted to say… I'm proud of the team and I'm proud of Mathias. This is a good birthday present for the birthday boy," he finished with a growing smile. Alfred turned the camera towards himself and winked. "There you have it! Birthday boy wins his game against Notre Dame."

"What the fuck are you doing, Alfred?" Mathias said with a grin as he got up into the bleachers, looking over both of their shoulders at the video. "We're going out, right?"

"Hell yeah, man! You, me, Jett, and Lukas. We're going to the bar and we're getting you your first drink. Your very first drink ever! Damn, you must be excited after waiting all these years to never drink."

"I can legally drink in Denm—"

"Sh. No need to talk, bro. Let's get that drink."

Mathias went away for a few minutes to change, then came back in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Alright, let's just go. Where's Jett?"

"He's meeting us there," Alfred replied, grabbing Mathias' car keys from him and running to the car. Mathias and Lukas waited behind for a moment.

"I'm glad you came," Mathias said. "You see how good I did?"

Lukas smiled a little and shoved him playfully, then crossed his arms again. "I did. No need to be cocky. Even if it's your birthday." He leaned up and gave him a quick hug, whispering, "Happy birthday, Mathias," into his ear.

"No, happy birthday to _you,_ Lukas," Mathias said with a chuckle as he began walking towards the car, making sure he was following.

"Dad jokes," he muttered, sliding the back of his hand over Mathias' and holding it for a split-second as to not be noticed. Mathias glanced over at him, grinning widely and laughing. There was nothing funny, but he was unbelievably happy. Normally he didn't celebrate his birthday at all besides the gifts his mother forced on him and a cake that was too rich.

"Lukas," he started, his smile unwavering, "Even if everything goes downhill from here, this is one of the best birthdays I've ever had."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: **"December, 1963" _~Franki Valli and The Four Seasons_**

* * *

 _Oh, what a night_

 _Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me_

 _She was everything I dreamed she'd be_

 _Sweet surrender, what a night_

* * *

The bar was crowded and loud. When Lukas walked in, they had to make an "x" on his hand because he couldn't drink. Jett had to have one, too, although Alfred and Mathias were excited to go without as they sat in a booth. Jett was nudging Alfred and asking for a drink, but he kept shaking his head.

"Come on, mate. Just a shot or something, I'm not picky about it."

Alfred picked up a glass, put up his pinky, and sipped it with a smug look on his face. "Well, I do say. That is delightful. Guess you wouldn't know about it, though."

"Why won't you buy me a drink?"

"Lukas isn't begging me for a drink!"

Jett sat back, watching Mathias. "Mathias, buy me a drink."

"Like hell. If I get caught, I'll be kicked out. Can't risk it, man. Just be patient and you can have something to drink when we get back."

"Fucking- Mathias, come on."

Lukas whispered something into Mathias' ear and they both smiled slightly. "Alright, alright. One drink, then," he said, calling over the server. He spoke quietly so that Jett and Alfred couldn't hear. She came back a minute later with a glass and set in front of Jett, who took a large drink. The minute it hit his tongue, he gave Mathias a look of betrayal.

"The fuck is this?"

"Water."

Lukas covered his smile and Alfred burst out in laughter. They were all silent for a moment after that until Jett spoke up. "See that girl over there? Bet I could get her to go home with me."

They all turned to stare at a woman laughing with a group of friends. When Mathias saw her, his face fell and he looked away quickly. Alfred was laughing again, though, saying, "Mathias, I forgot about her! Remember when you dated her?"

Mathias talked in a hush tone, leaning in towards Alfred. "It was two weeks. Three at most. I wouldn't call it dating."

"She was kinky, right?"

Lukas' face fell and he couldn't help but glance at the woman again. She was an attractive woman. Her smile was beautiful. Much more beautiful than his own. She had a good body, too. He looked away, wrapping a straw wrapper around his finger mindlessly. Jealousy was burning him from the inside out, but he couldn't let that show.

"Uh, I don't really want to talk about her. She was alright, I guess. She smokes a lot and I wasn't into that. I guess she's more like the manic pixie dream girl kind. If you're into that, man, go for it."

Jett looked at her more, then got up and sat down at her table with confidence that even Mathias had to admire. "Jesus, he's going all out."

Alfred finished his drink, then looked at Mathias. "Hey, you should find someone, birthday boy. Lukas, we could probably find you someone, too. I know plenty of girls who're into skinny, small guys."

"Not really interested," Mathias said as he finished off a beer. Alfred couldn't see it, but Mathias slid his hand over to Lukas' thigh, causing the other to blush bright red and cough as an attempt to cover his embarrassment. Alfred shrugged, then leaned back and scanned the bar.

"What about you, Lukas? You interested?"

He shook his head, looking away as best as he could without seeming too strange. It was hard to keep a straight face because Mathias gave his leg a pinch and it was starting to tickle. He kicked him lightly, but only got a little smile in return.

"Why do you both look like you have a secret? Damn. You know what, I'm going to find someone here if it kills me. I haven't fucked anyone in a month, I swear. You want some more shots or something, birthday boy?"

Mathias nodded, held up three fingers, and said, "Thanks, man."

When Alfred came back with three shots, Mathias downed them in a row. He grit his teeth, patting his chest for a moment. "Fuuuck, that's hot. Lukas, you gotta try somethin'."

"I don't drink, Mathias. I mean it."

He sighed softly at Lukas, but was still smiling as he moved his hand up his inner thigh. Mathias even managed to wink, but it was sloppy and Lukas was suddenly aware that he was drunk. Not without hesitation, Lukas took Mathias' hand and moved it off. "You're drunk," he said simply, hoping that would be explanation enough.

"Yeah? 'S my birthday, babe."

"You're going to do something you'll regret, Mathias. Don't call me babe in public. Someone will hear."

Mathias let out a frustrated groan, still moving his hand along the others thigh. "Please, Lulu."

"What did you call me?"

"Lulu. Do ya like it? I like it. Fits ya," he said with a satisfied grin. Lukas felt his cheeks heat up and he shoved his hand off again, holding it away. "I'd like it if you weren't drunk. In fact," he said, leaning in so only Mathias was the only one who could hear him. "I would let you keep your hand on me if you weren't drunk. But you are."

"Jesus Christ, 's that really it? Babe, I promise I'm all here. 'S my birthday. I deserve this."

"You don't deserve to touch whoever you want just because it's your birthday," he snapped. Mathias looked at him, his expression suddenly serious. "Well, fine. I can respect that, Lulu. 'S not something else, yeah? I know that whole thing with that… that girl over there. Nobody compares to you, ya know?"

Lukas was silent again. He wasn't able to look at Mathias. He was good at making people feel guilty. He had one of those faces that could make someone melt and apologize, even if they weren't the one in the wrong. "I know. I just don't want someone drunk touching me. It makes me uncomfortable, Mathias."

"Jus' gimme a little kiss."

"Mathias, I'll drive you home and… if you really want, I'll give you a birthday kiss. I didn't get you a gift. I'm so sorry."

"Yer a gift, Lukas. I don' need anythin' else."

Lukas smiled faintly, then got up and took Mathias' wallet out of his pocket for him, opening it to take out his card so they could pay for the drinks. He sifted through the pockets in the wallet, spotting something that shone. He dipped his fingers into the leather pocket, pulling out a hairpin.

When he realized what it was, he put a hand over his mouth and gasped. He never thought that Mathias would have kept the hairpin, especially in his wallet. He looked at Mathias, who was watching with widened eyes. "Look, I can explain!"

"Mathias," he said with a growing smile. "I can't believe you still have it." He stuck it back into the wallet, then took out the card and set it down. Once they had paid for the drinks, Lukas led Mathias out to the car and took the keys, getting into the front seat.

He had his license, but he hadn't driven in a while and wasn't the best. Either way, he was better than Mathias, who was leaning back in his seat and laughing at nothing. He began driving, trying to ignore Mathias, who was unbuckled and kept trying to kiss his cheek. He succeeded a few times, but Lukas slammed on his breaks once on purpose, flinging him into the dash.

"Goddammit, Lukas," he said under his breath. "Whaddya do that for?"

Lukas was trying not to smile, but he started snickering under his breath. Even Mathias was laughing after a few seconds. When they finally reached Mathias' house, Lukas walked him inside and up to his bedroom, making sure he would be completely okay before turning to go.

"Lukas, wait!"

He stopped and turned, finding Mathias standing right in front of him. They both watched each other, waiting for one to make the first move. It was Lukas who wrapped his arms around Mathias' neck first, but it was Mathias who pulled him into a kiss. This kiss was a lot different than the ones they'd had before.

Lukas could taste the liquor in the others mouth and his eyebrows furrowed as he slowly pulled his head back, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand. Mathias smiled at that, just kissing him again softly. "You can actually keep that one," he said, brushing a thumb over Lukas' bottom lip before turning around to sit on the bed, almost missing it entirely.

Before he left, Lukas walked over to him and kissed his forehead, letting his lips linger for a moment. Once he pulled away, Mathias looked as happy as he'd seen him yet.

"Happy birthday, Mathias. I hope it's been your best one," he said quietly. He then turned and left, leaving Mathias alone with the same cheerful grin plastered on his face.

* * *

Lukas still couldn't believe Mathias had kept his hairpin. He wanted to know if he had just started carrying it or if he'd been carrying it since he'd given it to him. It was amazing that he'd managed to keep track of it. He couldn't even do that with the watch Mathias had given him. The only thing he'd managed to maintain was the book of fairy tales he'd gotten from him for his eleventh birthday.

It was still hard for him to truly grasp that Mathias was here with him and that any of this was really happening. Simply put, good things didn't happen to him. He lived an average life. There was nothing mystical or fantastic about it.

This was different. It was almost like one of his fairy tales. Who else could say they met up with their childhood crush from halfway across the world and managed to rekindle a dead relationship?

If Lukas didn't know better, he'd say Mathias had found him on purpose. But it made no sense. Mathias had been enrolled for two years before.

Lukas had heard plenty about soulmates and silly things like that. He always disregarded the idea that there was someone specific in the world for each person. The concept that there was only one person who could fit your needs was ridiculous. Wasn't it? He'd always believed so, but now he had to wonder how ridiculous it really was.

He'd never felt like this about anyone in his life. Perhaps Mathias had set a standard when they were younger than no one could fit. Nothing could replicate the love he'd felt for him. It was like having a twenty dollar steak for dinner one night, then having cheap ramen the next night. Sure, ramen was fine. But compared to a steak, it was like eating styrofoam.

Maybe that's why he believed he was asexual. But this made him realize something else. Would he have never fell in love if he never met Mathias again? Perhaps he wouldn't have cared. He didn't care before. But maybe when he was old, sitting in a little rocking chair complaining about technology, he'd regret not trying for love.

The thought hit him hard. If he hadn't ran into Mathias at all, his life could have been completely loveless. He would never feel a kiss like the one Mathias had given him. He wouldn't know what it was like to have someone to belong to and have as your own. At the end of the day, he'd be lonely.

He didn't want to think about being alone again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate all of the support you have given me. These are the two Christmas chapters. I was going to fill in the chapters in the month of November, but never did. You can imagine what happened in November. These two chapters were written so many months ago. This story was to focus on Matthias' struggle with Alcoholism, and was going to end similar to how it began.**

 **"Matthias was offered a scholarship to a prestigious university in England for his musical skills, but had to face an audition, and had accepted that he would most likely pass the audition. Lukas, on the other hand, was to remain in America, and both individuals were crushed by the situation, but Matthias felt as though he couldn't turn down this scholarship. Lukas felt as though he should move back home with his parents, feeling heartbroken and wanting to take a year off school. He has a plane ticket to go back home, and his flight is scheduled during Matthias' audition. Matthias is on the stage in front of two men from the college, and he's playing his cello, but can't get through his song. He stands, takes a bow, apologizes for what he's about to do, and jumps off the stage and leaves. He catches Lukas at the airport and begs him to stay, and that he, too, is going to stay because he couldn't imagine life without him.**

 **It ends differently than expected. Matthias is given a second chance on his audition and succeeds, and both Lukas and Matthias move to London to start their new life."**

 **I didn't want to leave you on edge. You deserve to know.**

 **I am sorry that I could not complete this story, but my life is too hectic, and I am no longer involved in the Hetalia fandom. Thank you for reading.**

 **-M. Bates**

* * *

Ch. (? The Christmas chapter p.1)

#

"Lukas."

Lukas smiled in his sleep, shifting so that his head was against the car door and the heat was blowing on his neck. "Mm," he hummed, drooling a little on his cheek. "No, I'm aware," he spoke before snoring quietly. "Get the boys over to the Christmas tree."

"Lukas, wake up!" Mathias put a hand on his shoulder and laughed when he shot up and looked around. "What? Where are we?" He asked, disoriented still as he wiped off the drool with his hand and wiped it on his jeans.

"You're home. Come on," Mathias said, getting out and taking the luggage out of the trunk. "Grab these bags! I can't wait to get something to eat and talk to your family. It's been a while."

Lukas grabbed his bags, looking up at the tacky Christmas lights on the house, a tradition his father had started a year after they'd arrived in America. There was a man who lived across from them who competed with his father and they'd been going at it for years. Mathias laughed at the lights, clearly amused. "Lukas, I love it! This is so nice. So funny."

Mathias knocked on the door, secretly a little nervous. Actually, a lot nervous. He wanted to make a good impression and was suddenly afraid of Lukas' father and he took a deep breath when the door swung open, holding it in as Lukas' mother pulled both men into a tight hug, kissing Lukas' cheek with a loud smack. "Lukas, I missed you! It's good seeing you! Hi, Mathias! I'm glad you're spending Christmas with us. We'll try not to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable."

"They will, anyways," Emil said, walking by with a piece of fudge in his hand. Lukas grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, causing him to drop his fudge with a disappointed groan.

"Hi, Emil," he said, squeezing him tighter. Mathias watched, walking in and immediately feeling Lukas' fathers gaze on him. His eyes widened and he smiled nervously, giving a wave and extending a hand. "Hey, sir!" He said, inwardly killing his soul off at the stupid opening. "Uh, long time no see!"

 _Fucking end me,_ he thought, though he continued to grin as his father shook his hand. "Mathias, are you still playing the cello? I'm kidding, I know you are. I was pleased when I heard you were. I'll tell you, I would have given you a full ride to the school I teach at."

Mathias glanced down at the floor for a moment before looking over at him and smiling. "I would have liked that. The only issue is my lack of Catholicism."

"Ah, don't worry. I'm not catholic, either. Do you know piano? We require that each student in the music program take a minimum of two years of piano. It does wonders and eliminates a magnitude of problems like you wouldn't believe."

"I took it for a couple years. I know enough to get by."

"I'm glad you know some. I'm glad you're a man of music. Good man."

Lukas' mother came by and tugged on her husband's wrist. "You're going to talk his ear off! Come on, tell me if the soup needs something else," she said. Lukas was still fawning over Emil and asking him about how chubby he was and pinching his cheek sarcastically.

"Quit pinching me! UGH! Mom!"

"Lukas, stop pinching your brother."

Lukas continued pinching his cheek until Mathias walked over. Then he stopped and said, "This is Emil. Well, you know. Emil, do you remember Mathias?"

"Uh, he got me that puffin, right?" Emil said, looking Mathias up and down. Mathias nodded and extended a hand to him as well, although Emil only gave him a high-five and walked away to get another piece of fudge. "I sorta remember. He seems alright."

"Emil!"

"What?" He whined, sitting at the table and waiting for his mother to bring in the soup she was making and set it on a potholder in the center. She shot him a look and motioned Lukas and Mathias over. "Just leave your stuff there. We'll get it later," she said, setting bowls in front of each person. "Sorry that it's just soup."

"Honestly, soup sounds amazing. I never get home-cooked meals," Mathias said, pouring himself a glass of tea from the pitcher on the table and taking a drink. Lukas smiled faintly, pouring himself some soup and blowing on a spoonful.

Mathias was starving but tried not to be a disgusting eater. He had been a really disgusting eater growing up and he didn't want to give off that impression. Emil was only eating the sausage in the soup and scooping out some of the vegetables. "Emil, please be good," his mother said, putting the vegetables back in. With a huff, he ate a carrot slice, clearly displeased.

"I really like your house, ma'am," Mathias said. "And I really like this soup. Everything is really nice and I can't stress enough how thankful I am that you're doing this for me."

Lukas watched his mother smile widely, beaming at the compliments and thanks.

They ate their food, discussing school briefly before talking about Christmas and how things had been in D.C. When they were done, Mathias went to grab his bags. "So where do you guys want me to stay? I'm not picky at all."

"Well, we only have three rooms. Actually, four, but the fourth is being used for a music room and we just really didn't have the time or space to move everything in that room out," his mother said, giving Lukas' father a look. He just smiled softly and shrugged, putting his bowl in the sink.

"Where is he staying?" Lukas asked, walking over to their bags.

"Well," his mother said, getting up and walking over to them. "I was thinking he could sleep in your room. We'll pull a cot out. Not in your bed with you and I mean that!"

Lukas couldn't believe they were allowing that, but he also figured that he was an adult, a fact that he occasionally forgot. Mathias glanced over at him and would have winked if he didn't catch Lukas' father looking him over again.

"Mathias, you would enjoy seeing my music collection, I'm sure," he said, motioning for him to follow upstairs. Lukas and Mathias stared at each other for a second, both worried, but Mathias followed the others father upstairs, planning his words already.

Despite his nerves, the music room his father had was one of the most interesting things he'd seen in a while. There were all kinds of obscure instruments and a wall of violins and violas. "Now, you and me both know we aren't here to talk about music, Mathias. Not yet, at least," he said with a sparkle in his eye.

"Yes, sir. I completely understand."

"We're letting you stay in Lukas' room. You're his boyfriend and I'm assuming that you'll want to do things that boyfriends do. Now, you're both adults. I can't tell either of you what to do, but I can tell you that if I hear anything that sounds like sex, I'm going to have to do something. Imagine an oboe flying at your head."

Mathias stared at him, only nodding with a nervous smile. "I understand."

"I'm serious, too. You be careful with him. He's smart."

Mathias nodded again, watching as the man walked over to a keyboard and sat at it, fiddling with the buttons until he had it on the setting for an organ, at which point he played a funeral march while looking Mathias dead in the eye. After a moment, he smiled and said, "I'm joking, Mathias. But I'm not joking about you being careful with my son."

"I will. I promise," he said with a growing smile. Mr. Bondevik motioned him over, stopping him when he was in front of the keyboard.

"I'm glad you're here, Mathias. Lukas is better with someone like you. There are people who can be alone for their whole lives. Lukas isn't one of them. His life is a duet and he is trying to play it alone," he said simply. "The song is off. You can't play a duet by yourself. It may sound fine, but with the other musician to accompany, there is much more beauty and it doesn't become just bearable to listen to, but enjoyable. It becomes art. What it was meant to be."

Mathias watched him, fully grasping what the man was telling him. He didn't speak, not knowing what to say. He pulled up a stool and sat down. "And you're calling me the other player?"

"I hope so. I've never seen the "duet" go so well before. I know nothing about people, Mathias. But I know a lot about music. And I know a good piece when I see it."

Mathias smiled, a genuine smile that made him turn a light shade of red. Mr. Bondevik stood up and took a book out. "Do you want to hear an original composition? I'd like some advice. It's always good to have a second opinion."

The other nodded, feeling as though it was the least he could do after the incredible compliment he felt like he'd been given.

#

The next days went by well, although Mathias was struggling because they didn't approve of drinking in the house and he had to go out every time he wanted a drink, which was every night. He normally didn't get back to the house until late when Lukas was already asleep. He had to sneak into the room every night, careful not to wake his family.

Finally, a few days before Christmas Eve, Lukas stopped him before he could leave for the night. "Mathias, I really don't think you should be going out this much. I want you to stay here. Either way, on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day you won't be going out drinking. I'm not letting it happen."

"Why not?" He said, watching as Lukas got into his bed and picked up a book. "I can drink on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is understandable I guess, but—"

"Mathias, I mean it. And you're staying tonight, too."

He stared at the door for a moment, then sighed quietly, but smiled nonetheless and took his shoes off again. "Fine, fine. Alright. I'll stay. Why do you want me to stay so bad, anyway?"

"Well," he began, looking away from the book and at Mathias, "You should sleep in my bed tonight. I've been wanting you to but you're always gone. So come over here and lay down."

It wasn't like Mathias could deny a request like that. He was hoping that it would lead to more ultimately, and without hesitation he changed out of his clothes, slid on some sweats, and got into bed with him, giving his cheek a kiss and looking at the book. "What are you reading?"

"It's something on the mysteries of Atlantis and it has this weird map that… oh…" He stopped when he felt lips on his neck. Mathias stopped after a moment and said, "Continue! Maps that lead to Atlantis turn me on," he said with a quiet laugh. Lukas hit him in the cheek lightly with the book and kept looking at the map, although he wasn't focused on it at all.

He covered a growing smile with the book, laughing under his breath and weakly trying to push him away. "Stop, that tickles," he said, keeping his voice hushed. Mathias pressed another kiss with a loud, sarcastic smack. "I just wanted to give you some kisses, you know? You deserve it," he replied, wrapping an arm around him to pull him closer and give him a kiss on the lips.

A kiss turned into making out, and when Mathias moved on top of Lukas, he watched with a bit of concern. "Mathias, my parents are right there," he said quietly, looking over at the door. "We can't really do anything. They'll hear us and they'll be so mad."

"Is that really it? Because I can lock the door and be quiet. I completely understand if you don't want to take this too far, though. I'm pretty new to this, too. Well, not this. But _this."_

Lukas looked from the door back to Mathias. On one hand, his parents and Emil were close, but on the other, Lukas had really wanted Mathias to touch him. He hadn't been making many moves on him because he was never sober enough for Lukas to allow him to do so. Lukas was patient, of course, but he still couldn't help but daydream about Mathias.

"Well, okay. But I don't want to actually… have sex or anything. Is that okay? I'm sorry, I'm just not sure about it. Not you, I mean! I'm sure about you, but I'm not sexual. I'm about as sexual as a can of beans, honestly," he said, trailing off as Mathias' cold hand held onto his bare side. Mathias was laughing at him and trying to hide it, but failing.

"Don't laugh," Lukas huffed, playfully pinching his nose. "It's not funny."

"I have seen some sexy cans of beans, okay? Between you and me, babe, I can't even be in the same room as a commercial for baked beans. Gets me going every time."

Lukas grinned, sighing in acceptance and relaxing. "Fine. Wait, what are you going to do?"

Mathias looked down at Lukas, thinking. At this point, he didn't know how he felt about sucking anyone's dick. He'd never done it and the idea wasn't thrilling. Although he figured he'd had it done enough to know how to do a pretty good job. Either way, it was a dick and he just wasn't ready to put one in his mouth.

"Alright, I think I'll probably just…" he stopped, just feeling for Lukas' member through his boxers, trying not to smile at his slightly widening eyes. Lukas looked away, staring at the ceiling as he felt Mathias' hand through the fabric.

"Wait!" He sat up slightly, then looked at the bed. "Um, we should do it like this. Then I can touch you, too," he said, laying on his side and making Mathias do the same, although Mathias only stayed like that for a moment before saying, "Can I ask something?"

Lukas sat up completely, looking at him curiously. "What?"

"A request, actually. You can say no, but could I actually see you? We don't send nudes so I haven't seen your body and flat out, I want to see you naked. The curiosity has been killing me."

Lukas took a deep breath, beginning with, "Uh…" and standing up, hesitantly putting his hands at the top of his boxers. "I guess. But you need to hold up your end, so get up and we'll do it at the same time."

Mathias had no problem with that. He was fairly confident and thought that Lukas might ask him to do this if he asked him to. He got up, double-checked the lock on the door, and stood in front of him. "You ready?"

The other gave a little shrug and they watched each other, mirroring each others movements until the last of their clothes were off. For a while they just watched, both of their eyes looking downwards.

Mathias looked good. It almost wasn't fair, in Lukas' opinion. Soccer had definitely done him well. Although that didn't count for _everything_ that Lukas was admiring about him.

Seeing Lukas, on the other hand, was almost too much for Mathias, who couldn't believe how great he looked. To his surprise, Lukas had light blond hair trailing from his naval down to his crotch. Mathias wasn't sure why he imagined him smooth. Maybe it was because everything else about him seemed to be smooth, but it was interesting to see.

Lukas stepped forward, hesitantly, giving a nervous shrug and trying hard not to cover up. "Is this okay? I'm sorry for not shaving or anything. I see that you, uh, do."

Mathias stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, peppering kisses all over his face and laughing slightly, trying to make him relax. "This is definitely okay! You're handsome, you know that? Really attractive. Ten out of ten, stunning," he murmured, kissing right beneath his ear, then continuing the kissed down to his shoulder.

"Mathias, that means so much. You're really, really hot," he said with another nervous laugh, although he was enjoying the reassuring words and kisses he was receiving. Soon, they moved back to the bed and laid across from each other, both hesitant.

"I'm just going to touch you. Just… trying things out. You don't even have to touch me, Lukas. I know it makes you really nervous and shit. It would be excellent, but really it's okay."

"I'm going to touch you," he said, reaching out and hesitantly touching the side of his member with his fingertips. Mathias, on the other hand, grabbed onto Lukas' without hesitation and slowly pumped him, surprised when Lukas looked down to watch his moving hand. "Wow," he whispered, his nerves fading away slightly as he did the same to Mathias, stroking him tentatively for a bit while he watched his face, noticing that he looked more serious, if anything.

Lukas moved closer to him, his breath picking up as he crossed his leg over Mathias', his hips bucking forward as his eyes shut tightly. Mathias snaked an arm around Lukas' waist and pulled him closer, suddenly taking both of their members in his hand and stroking them together. Lukas moved his hand up, resting it on Mathias neck. "Um, so, do you… want me to… touch you somewhere else, Mathias? Or… or…"

Mathias pushed his lips against Lukas', forcing a tongue between his lips and grabbing the back of his head to move him close. Lukas closed his eyes again and moved his hand back down, fingers fumbling over the others erection until he could barely focus on it anymore. "Um, Mathias… " he tried to ask what he should do when he released, but Mathias had resorted to kissing him every time he attempted to speak and he came before he could ask.

Mathias, with a quiet sigh, came after him, looking over Lukas' tired looking face and smiling at the spots of red on his cheeks from blushing, most likely from the growing heat in the room. "Hope that was alright," he said, kissing him and getting up, pulling on his pants and grabbing the box of tissues off of the dresser. He wiped himself off, then gave the box to Lukas and watched as he did the same.

Out of nowhere, Lukas started laughing. Mathias looked back at him, laughing, too, although he wasn't sure why. "What's so funny?" He asked, flipping the lamp out and getting into bed with him, spooning him with a grin. "Why are you laughing?"

He kept laughing, to the point where it was silent and his shoulders were shaking. "I was so nervous," he managed to say, holding onto Mathias' hand and pulling the blanket up more. "So stupid."

"Aw, come on! It wasn't stupid. But I'm glad you're laughing about it," he said with a yawn as he kissed the back of his neck. "You need to get some sleep."

"Mm. Okay. Goodnight, Mathias."

"I love you, goodnight."

Lukas turned and stared at him. "What?!"

"Nothing!"

Lukas shook his shoulder hard, leaning into his face. "What did you say, Mathias Kohler?"

Mathias only smiled, chuckling to himself as Lukas kept shaking his shoulder, trying to get him to say it again.

Chapter: (?) Christmas p.2))

#

"Mathias, I meant what I said."

"What are you talking about?" He said, looking at Lukas as he spread a thick layer of frosting onto a sugar cookie and took a bite. Lukas took the cookie from him, finishing it and working on another one with sprinkles. "The drinking. You can't drink on Christmas Eve or on Christmas because we celebrate on both days. Honestly you shouldn't even drink today."

"But it's only the 23rd!"

"Don't argue. I don't want you to be drunk."

Mathias shook his head reluctantly and stacked the cookies on top of each other. Emil walked over and took one of them, eating it absent-mindedly and pouring himself a tall glass of milk. Lukas watched him, leaning in closer to Mathias so only he could hear. "Please just do this for me. Don't drink until the 26th. After that, feel free."

Three days? _Three days?_ Mathias nervously wrung his wrists, but he didn't have much of a choice. His hands were essentially tied. "Alright, alright," he muttered, already planning on how he was going to be sneaky with his liquor. "For you, I'll do it."

Lukas held his hand for a moment, kissing it and saying, "Thanks. Now finish the last of the cookies. Don't eat any more."

#

Mathias had gotten very little sleep. In fact, he'd gotten no sleep. His eyes were burning and he felt like shit. He got out of bed, looking over at Lukas with a quiet groan. What he'd really wanted to do last night was go out and get a drink, but Lukas had insisted on them sleeping together.

Lukas probably knew that he'd want to leave. Mathias had to at least commend him on that despite his irritable state. He didn't know why he was so grouchy, because it could have been worse. He could have been hungover. But he would have gotten some sleep if he would have been able to drink and that was better than nothing.

He went downstairs quietly, taking a container of juice out of the fridge and pouring himself a glass. Nobody was awake except for Emil, who was on the couch with a bowl of sugary cereal and a fuzzy blanket. He was occasionally playing with the branches on the Christmas tree and doing something on his phone.

Mathias almost asked him if his parents kept liquor in the house. He could probably bribe him with it, anyway. If he offered him some, maybe he'd fess up the information.

He decided against because he was sure that they wouldn't have any. They seemed to be strict on the ideal of not drinking, for the most part.

"Hey, Emil," he said, sitting down at the kitchen table. "You excited for Christmas?"

He didn't turn, but nodded and took a loud bite of his cereal. Mathias watched him, trying not to smile too big. Emil was really funny. Funny in an interesting way. He wasn't cheerful like Mathias remembered and he was going through a chubby phase. Well, they all seemed to think it was just a phase.

"You ever thought about doing sports, Emil?"

The teen looked up, sighing to himself and putting the now empty bowl down. "Um, no. I don't like any sports. Sports are for stupid jocks and I'm not a stupid jock."

"What? I'm not a stupid jock," he said, more as a joke, but Emil just gave him a look. Mathias frowned slightly, but it didn't last long and he was grinning again.

"What do you do?"

Emil flipped on the television, turning the channel to some kind of Christmas movie before getting up and grabbing a plate of chocolate cookies. Mathias watched him eat them, thinking about his own childhood and how much he enjoyed to eat, although he grew out of a lot of it and worked off any extra weight through sports. "Emil?"

He sighed at his name being called and said, "I do marching band."

"Marching band? That's really cool. I always liked marching band. They put on really cool shows."

Emil took a big bite out of a cookie, slowly chewing it and staring at the plate. "Hm. But everyone just wants to talk about the football players and the cheerleaders and I hate it."

"Not all sports are bad, Emil."

"Name one."

Mathias leaned back, staring over at the television. "I bet you'd like tennis. Or skating. You should try roller derby. I have a friend in my fraternity who does roller derby and he loves it."

Mathias and Emil didn't know it, but Lukas was creeping down the stairs. He stopped when he saw them, listening in on the conversation.

"I'd fall. And I'm too big," he said quietly. "I know I'm fat."

Mathias was a little taken aback. He shook his head and looked at the plate of cookies. "You're not too big for any sport. You're not that big at all. I mean, yeah, you're…" Emil was, realistically, overweight, but… "Emil, you're fine. I think as long as you're happy, that's what's important. You don't have to tell me if you're happy or not, but if you're not and you think it'll make you feel better to lose weight, I can _at least_ tell you that you'll be healthier, and if it's not a body issue and it's a brain issue, then a healthy body is very likely to cultivate a healthy mind."

Emil stopped eating mid-bite, putting the rest of the cookie down on the plate. His face softened and he looked over at Mathias, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm not happy and I'm fat and it sucks!"

More than anything, Mathias wanted to run. He didn't want to see Emil cry and he felt really guilty and he ended up laughing nervously, giving him an awkward pat on the shoulder. "Well, do you want help or something? If you really wanted to, I could just make a list of foods to avoid and exercises and things like that. Some people work better with a plan."

Emil wiped his tears, sniffling and turning the television up so his crying didn't seem so loud. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever will help me. I just can't deal with this anymore."

Lukas watched, seeing a side to Emil he hadn't seen in a while. He never thought his little brother cared about his weight. He ate so much and he seemed pleased to do so, but this entire time he hadn't been happy. With a deep breath he walked downstairs.

Upon seeing his brother, Emil straightened up and looked away, but Lukas pulled him into a tight hug and smiled. "Why didn't you say anything, Emil?"

Mathias could tell that Emil was crying again and he said, "Shut up!" But he didn't pull away from the hug. His parents must have heard the commotion because they shuffled out of their room, looked at each other, and both started saying, "Awww," together while walking towards them and pulling both Lukas and Emil into a group hug. Lukas' mother gestured Mathias over, forcing him into one of the most sarcastic things he'd ever been a part of.

"All of you stop hugging me!" Emil yelled, trying weakly to push them all away while they continued to coo at him. "Stop!" He yelled again, laughing slightly through his tears. His mother, in the midst of the madness, kissed the top of his head with a resounding smack and the hug was disbursed.

"Christmas Eve," Mr. Bondevik said, rubbing his hands together while his wife went in the kitchen to cook breakfast.

The entire scene made Mathias feel better. He wasn't nearly as grouchy anymore knowing that someone else was struggling just as much as he was and that there was a way to console him.

#

Every Christmas Eve for the past six years, Lukas' parents invited their closest friends over for a get together. The evening typically consisted of music, food, and most importantly for Mathias, wine. It wasn't what he preferred, but it was better than nothing.

Once people arrived, he was surprised by how many people Lukas knew. This meant he had to meet people. This was no problem. He was happy to do so. It made him feel important. When it seemed like he'd met everyone, he walked over to the counter and picked up a bottle of wine and a glass, but before he could pour it there was a hand on his shoulder.

"Mathias, I said no," Lukas said. "Not on Christmas Eve."

Mathias huffed quietly, turning around and talking to him quietly. "Why not? I'm an adult."

"You'll drink till you get drunk and you'll embarrass me. Tomorrow you'll be hungover. _On Christmas."_

Reluctantly, Mathias set down the bottle and the glass, putting a hand on the small of Lukas' back and walking back into the main room with a slightly forced smile. He hadn't had a drink in two days, which was fine, because he occasionally went for a week without a drink, though he hadn't done so in almost a month, and the holidays were making him anxious and he could feel a growing frustration. Almost panic.

"Mathias, you said you played some piano?"

He turned to see Mr. Bondevik sitting down at the piano, fingers on the keys. Lukas gave his hand a small kiss and moved him forward. Mathias sat down, looking at the carol he was being asked to play part of. "Follow my lead," his father said, going into the song. Mathias watched carefully, playing gently and a bit timidly, relieved to get his mind off of his nerves for just a moment. After the song was over, the older man got up and gestured Lukas over to sit. When he did, Lukas chose a song from the book and nudged Mathias lightly. "You sounded good. You ready?"

"Ready to entertain the masses," he murmured with a slight grin. Lukas went into the next song and Mathias realized that it wasn't what was written in the book and he didn't know what to play along with it. With a nervous laugh he followed along, watching Lukas' fingers and his own as he made up the duet.

"That sounded brilliant," a woman behind him said when they stood up. "Simple, but brilliant."

"Oh! I have an idea," Lukas' mother said, pulling them both down onto the couch with a grin. "Let's tell stories about Lukas. I know some embarrassing ones."

"Please God," he said quietly, rubbing his forehead while Mathias leaned forward, clearly interested in said conversation.

"When he was little, he would say he was going to own his own farm. What kind of farm, honey?"

Mr. Bondevik smiled slightly from his piano. "A rabbit farm."

"A bunny farm!"

Lukas looked down at the floor, sighing. He supposed it could have been worse . . .

"Do you remember when you caught him putting on your makeup?"

"Oh!" His mother said, pulling out a picture from her phone and showing it to Mathias, who laughed when he saw lipstick smeared over a seven year old Lukas' face. "Lukas, look how cute you are. I love it," Mathias said, giving him a smile and trying to make him feel better about it.

"He was the cutest boy. You probably remember, but he was such a cute baby. He was a skinny baby, though. Not like Emil. Emil was so precious, he had the tubbiest belly and such fat cheeks!"

Emil groaned from somewhere in the room and there was also the sound of a door slamming shut.

"Lukas cried for the first two years of school whenever he was dropped off. I felt so terrible. He was so shy and he never really grew out of it, but we love him just the way he is. He's my favorite oldest son," she said, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"He turned out really well, ma'am," Mathias said, intertwining his fingers with Lukas' and giving another forced smile. Lukas watched him, noticing that his smile was off. He squeezed Mathias' hands and sighed more at his mother telling embarrassing stories, but he was more concerned than anything and couldn't stop thinking about why Mathias was acting strangely.

When the party was over, Lukas helped clean up while Mathias went for a shower, and before he could finish, Mathias had fallen asleep and he couldn't ask him about his behavior.

#

Lukas' mother came in and woke them up early in the morning around seven. Lukas turned to Mathias and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him in an attempt to wake him. He only groaned and rolled onto his side.

"Mathias?"

He made a noise of annoyance, covering his head with the blanket. Mathias felt terrible. Worse than he felt yesterday. When Lukas touched his cheek, he flinched and sat up slightly, letting out a light hiss at the feeling off his cold hand. It felt intensely cold. It nearly burned. Lukas stared and pulled his hand away. "What's wrong?"

The question was loaded. Mathias' head was throbbing and his body felt surprisingly shaky. "Uh, yeah. I guess. Well, no. Honestly, I feel like shit."

"Why? Are you sick?" Lukas began to fawn over him, his face growing more serious. Mathias gave a very weak smile and shook his head, forcing himself to get up despite how weak he felt and heading to the door. "It's not a big deal. Merry Christmas, Lulu."

Lukas was still worried, but he trusted Mathias and took his hand, leading him downstairs and saying, "Merry Christmas, Mathias."

They sat down on the couch. Lukas' father didn't look fully awake and his mother was sipping coffee. Lukas got himself a cup and would have chugged it if it wasn't so hot. Emil sat on the floor, pulling out presents. Emil unwrapped all of his first, then they gave Lukas his, and to his surprise, they gave Mathias presents as well.

He tried to tell them that he couldn't accept them, but they insisted and he tore the presents open, thankful for anything, honestly. He was also pleased when Lukas had gotten him a gift, because he'd gotten one for him and given it to him earlier that week.

When Lukas unwrapped his gifts, he set them aside. Emil happily carried his new things upstairs and his parents went to take a nap before the day truly began.

"I have to go deliver a card for my parents. I'll just be gone for fifteen minutes. Do you want to stay here and go back to bed?"

Mathias slumped his shoulders and nodded, heading upstairs slowly without looking back. He sat down on the bed, staring at the wall blankly while he clutched his gifts, dropping them onto the bed with a blank expression.

He didn't feel good. He felt uncomfortable and unhappy. His body ached from his lack of sleep, but his mind was all too awake. He slowly laid down, staring again at the wall.

His mind continued to wander. The light was streaming in from the window and he had to get up to shut it. He laid down again. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was still awake. He was exhausted and he was still awake.

"Fuck," he muttered, rubbing his head and sighing. Mathias still had a headache. Why wasn't he asleep yet? He sat up, grabbed the pillow, repositioned it, and laid his head back down. It did nothing for comfort. He sat up again, sighing a little more desperately before standing and pacing the floor, running his hands through his hair.

Mathias gulped. He wished Lukas was back and he wasn't alone. His eyes flickered towards his phone and his wallet. Both were on the dresser. His heart felt off. The beating was faster and his breathing was getting faster in turn. Another hand came up to rub his temple, trying to rub away the same headache. "Goddammit," he whispered, pacing the floor again, trying to be as quiet as possible.

He picked up his phone, struggling to look through his apps until he found one and looked through an article on the music scene in Vienna. It was an attempt at distraction that wasn't working well enough. Mathias tossed his phone onto his bed, taking slow, deep breaths. The room felt like it was a combination of too hot and too cold. He needed to shower.

"Mathias?"

Mathias stopped pacing and looked up to see Lukas standing in the doorway. Mathias sat down on the bed slowly with a nervous look that he was failing at covering up. "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well," he said, his voice slightly shaking. Lukas walked over and examined him, pressing a hand to his forehead. "I can't tell if you have a fever. You're sweating. Maybe you should take a shower. You would probably feel better," he suggested.

Mathias shook his head and Lukas stared at him, sitting down beside him and leaning a head on his shoulder. "You sure? You probably should."

"I don't want to."

Lukas gently kissed his shoulder, his concern only growing. He hadn't seen Mathias act so strange and he wasn't quite sure what was wrong. "Why?"

He looked away slightly, shaking his head, his eyes losing the normal gleam that they held. "I don't have the energy. I just feel like shit, Lukas. God, I feel like shit. I think I'm gonna go out for a drink."

"But it's Christmas," Lukas said, disappointment in his voice. Mathias looked as though he might cry for once, but he looked away before Lukas could notice. "Yeah, you're right," he said, his voice sounding monotone. Lukas slowly hugged him, burying his face in his shoulder. He hugged him back, although he still felt terrible. At least his heart wasn't beating so fast.

"Let's try to get a little more sleep," Lukas said, laying down with him and making sure he could get comfortable, letting him have one of his pillows and offering another blanket, although he wasn't sure if he needed it. Mathias forced another weak smile and kissed his forehead. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep, but he pretended he was for Lukas.

When Lukas was asleep, Mathias silently got up, grabbed his wallet and keys, and left, coming back soon with a bottle of liquor hidden in his coat.

#

Lukas was surprised when Mathias was in a much better mood the rest of the day. Maybe he was just tired and needed some sleep. He slept well that night, too, although he was clearly still feeling sick because he got up and went into the bathroom. Lukas had fallen asleep before he came back from the bathroom, but he was there in the morning holding him and he seemed happy as ever.


End file.
